2003-05-12 at 7:59 p.m.

Yesterday evening, I went and saw a recital by one of the UK�s finest piano virtuosos.

Today, I found out that one of my friends has made it to the third round of the ABC (Australian Broadcasting Corporation) Young Performer Awards, and will perform Poulenc�s Organ Concerto in July with the Adelaide Symphony Orchestra.

This afternoon, I listened to a recording made by two pianist friends of mine. The entire 70 minute recording was two-piano free improvisation (ie. made up on the spot), and sounded amazing.

This evening, I was forced to listen to yet another friend practising an intensely difficult Liszt piano concerto in one of the practice rooms.

And I spent half an hour in the adjoining practice room, straining, cussing, and obsessing over one phrase of my Beethoven sonata- a phrase which a mediocre pianist (or a blind, leperous hedgehog, for that matter) would have little trouble with.

In other words, I�m feeling very musically inferior.

And as much as I work at my playing, I know I�m never going to be Number One, simply because there is no number one in this biz. It doesn�t matter how talented, brilliant and lauded you are- Avril Lavigne will still make more money than you (proving once again that art, like life, is full of little ironies).

Still, it�d be nice to be number one at something, wouldn�t it? I wonder what I could be number one at�

I guess I need to start by looking at the

-Music. Already covered that. Next.

-Writing. One look at this place is enough to convince anyone I�m not the world�s best writer. Moving on to�

-Reading. Even if there was such a thing as the world�s best reader, I know I wouldn�t be it. Sure, I read pretty fast, but I once knew a guy who read so fast his biggest trouble was turning the pages fast enough. Really.

-Sleeping. Sleeping Beauty has nailed this one. There is no way I�m topping 100 years.

-Eating. Sure, I�m more gourmand than gourmet, but I�m never going to muster the discipline to have a full-on eating disorder. Besides, they don�t make flared jeans in size 342.

-Drinking. I�ve been told that I can put �em away pretty well (although everyone feels compelled to add �for a girl� to the end of that statement). However, I have neither the time or the money to become an alcoholic, let alone the world�s best alcoholic.

I can�t even claim to be the world�s greatest mediocrity, because it�s almost certain that someone, somewhere, is far more mediocre than me.

I believe that it�s times like this, when one is feeling depressed, mundane and futile, that one should turn to the Good Book for inspiration.

First, I searched the music entries�

Largest Piano Repertoire- Richard J�rnefelt of Helsinki, Finland, has a repertoire of 3,000 songs that he can play from memory.

Fastest Rap Artist- Rebel XD from Chicago, Illinois, rapped 683 syllables in 54.501 seconds.

Fewest Notes in a Classical Music Composition- The 1952 piece, �4�33�� by John Cage, written for any instrument, contains no notes at all.

Youngest DJ- DJ Welly headlined at the Warp Club in London, when he was eight years and seventy days old.

So, I�m obviously not going to beat any of these guys. It�s time to explore other avenues of possibility.

Longest Kiss- Nineteen-year-old Louisa Almedovar and her 22-year-old boyfriend Rich Langley, both of Vineland, New Jersey, USA, kissed non-stop for a record 30 hours, 59 minutes and 27 seconds on December 5, 2001, at the television studios of Ricki Lake, New York City, USA.

I can�t break this one alone�any volunteers?

Longest Fingernails- The world's longest fingernails are those of Shridhar Chillal of Poona, India. The five nails of his left hand were measured on July 8, 1998. Their combined length was a staggering 6.15 m (20 ft 2.25 in).

Thanks to compulsive nail biting, this one is not on my �to do� list. Just as well, really.

Chainsaw Juggling- Crazy Canadian chainsaw chucker Tom Comet was able to juggle three petrol-driven chainsaws for 44 throws (14 complete rotations and two catches) on August 5, 2002, at Princess Street Gardens, Edinburgh, Scotland.

I�d try that one, but I�m strangely fond of my arms.

Fastest Spaghetti Nasal Ejection- Kevin Cole of Carlsbad, New Mexico, USA, holds the record for the longest spaghetti strand blown out of a nostril in a single blow. On December 16, 1998, Kevin successfully achieved a record distance of 19 cm (7.5 in)

Honestly, who thinks these things up?

Fastest Yard of Ale- Peter Dowdeswell of Earls Barton, Northants, England, drank a yard of ale containing 1.42 liters (2 pints) in 5 sec. at RAF Upper Heyford, Oxon on May 4, 1975.

Peter Dowdeswell, I salute thee!

Furthest Cricket Spit- The greatest distance anyone has spat a dead cricket from their mouth is 9.17 m (30 ft 1.2 in) by Danny Capps of Madison, Wisconsin, USA.

That�s because no one else on the planet has the slightest inclination challenge the guy.

However, I could find no entries under �sock puppets�.

Why don�t I do the world�s first sock puppet skydive? Or the world�s longest sock puppet kiss? Or build the world's largest sock puppet theatre? Or why don�t I live through a sock puppet and use it to speak for me all the time?

Right. From now on, nobody talks to me without speaking to Cecil first.