Me Lose Brain? Uh oh!

2005-01-21 at 10:14 p.m.

Don't ask me- I'm just a girl!
Lately, I have noticed a number of disturbing new trends in the area of children's toys. Specifically, dolls. Those lovely hunks of plastic that bring such joy and happiness to little girls the world over.
Sure, they're usually unrealistically pretty. This, I can live with. Their feet are permanently disfigured. This, I also can live with. Their underwear is permanently affixed to their bodies. I believe that some people would benefit from emulating this example.
However, a few things about the more recent dolls on the market have started to disturb me.

One thing that bugs me is that dolls these days have absolutely giant, collagened lips, and absolutely no discernable noses to speak of. (When you follow this link, loud and tasteless music will start blaring out of your speakers. Be warned). This, I find, is just plain creepy. But that's nothing compared to the whole slew of dolls on the market right now devoted solely to 'fashion'. Sure, there have always been 'fashion' based dolls, but they were balanced out by dolls like Dr. Barbie, Marine Biologist Barbie, and Nuclear Physicist Barbie*. Sadly, these learned and noble pursuits have been phased out to make room for more 'fashion' dolls. Once again, I could force myself to overlook these indiscretions, were it not for two things.

The first thing is the television ad campaigns that have come out recently to promote said dolls. The one I have the most beef with is the one from the 'Bratz' line of dolls ('The Girls With A Passion For Fashion!' or, rather 'The Girls Who Dress Like Prostitutes And Have No Discernable Noses To Speak Of!'). One ad I saw recently actually contained the sentence, as voiced by an eleven-year-old girl-

"Don't theorise- ACCESSORISE!"

They may as well have come right out and said "Don't ask me- I'm just a girl! Tee he he! Tee he he!"

The second thing that bothered me was discovered two days ago, while on a shopping trip with my sister.
We were looking through the toy section of our local Big W (I was looking for anything that would make an unusual/silly noise, she was following behind me and rolling her eyes heavenward) when we wandered into the Barbie aisle. We were mid-bitch about how weird and creepy it is that dolls don't have noses anymore, when we spotted this-

Two of Barbies' friends, Madison and Sutton**, are seated on a cardboard wall and having a nice, innocent discussion. But wait! Let's go in for a closer look!

Kissing fish!?

When I read that little bit of sparkling dialogue, a few things popped into my mind. None of them were in any way appropiate for children under the age of 14.

Right now, in countries across the globe, small children are going up to their parents and asking them what 'Madison' means about 'kissing fish'. Right now, a lot of parents are turning pink and mumbling something about "...when you're older."

I'm hoping that none of them ask me.

After all, I'm just a girl.

Tee he he! Tee he he!

*I have no idea if there actually was a Nuclear Physicist Barbie, but I'd like to think there was. Heck, I'd have bought her.
**Honestly, who the hell thinks up these names?***
***My apolgies to any Madisons or Suttons who may be reading this.

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