2002-11-04 at 10:04 p.m.

Email spam. You get it. I get it. I'm sure even the Pope gets his fair share of penis enlargement offers and miracle weight loss bread recipes.

But yesterday, I received what is, without a doubt, the weirdest spam message I have ever seen.

From :[email protected]

To :[email protected], [email protected], [email protected], [email protected], [email protected], [email protected], [email protected], [email protected], [email protected], [email protected], [email protected], [email protected], [email protected], [email protected], [email protected], [email protected], [email protected], [email protected], [email protected], [email protected], [email protected], [email protected]

Subject : kurtithalat

Date : Sat, 2 Nov 2002 23:52:34 GMT

Hello,

If you are a Time Traveler I am going to need the following:

1. A modified mind warping Dimensional Warp Generator # 52 4350a series wrist watch with memory adapter.

2. Reliable carbon based, or silicon based time transducing capacitor.

I need a reliable source!! Please only reply if you are reliable. Send a (SEPARATE) email to me at:[email protected]

michelleslanemichellesjonesFvoCnkmIBHKhi

Below is the result of your feedback form. It was submitted by

([email protected]) on Saturday, November 2, 2002 at 23:52:34

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

KVtujcIspQ35504: EnLfOc ZybLOJhd

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Um. Huh?

Of course, I could have just deleted it... ah, who am I kidding? There is no way in hell I could have deleted this thing. So, instead, I answered it.

Here is the reply I sent back.

From:[email protected]

To:[email protected]

Subject:Time Travel

Dear Sir/Madam,

I read with interest your request for time-travel related goods and services.

Firstly, I wish to assure you that I am a very reliable source of time travel related goods. I am also a highly experienced time traveller, and have explored eras as diverse as the Paleolithic Era, The Crusades, and that unfortunate century beginning in 3012 when we are all enslaved by giant, robotic chihuahuas.

As to your requests-

1. I would personally recommend that you do not use the Modified Mind Warping Dimensional Warp Generator # 52 4350a series wristwatch with memory adapter. This particular model tends to cause the user's head to explode like an overripe cantaloupe, and only comes in purple. However, as a regular customer of 'Crazy Vaclav's World of Mufflers and Interdimensional Time Travel', I have become aware of a new model- the Modified Mind Warping Dimensional Warp Generator #53 4350b series wristwatch. It preserves mental integrity, comes in a range of fashion colours, and is waterproof to a depth of 500 feet. I believe it will be available sometime in 1993.

2. I personally own a carbon based time transducing capacitor. I tried connecting it to a toaster, but this caused several rather unfortunate and embarrassing personal injuries, and was inadvertantly responsible for the invention of the folding deckchair. I tried connecting it to a Delorian, but was forced to desist after several copyright lawsuits from the 'Back to the Future' people. I've since connected it up to a 1973 Volvo. It tends to be difficult to start on cold mornings, only picks up Radio Pyongyang, and has several unsightly dents from mild collisions with the Space/Time continuum. However, I believe you will find it reliable enough for any and all time-travel purposes.

Should you be interested, contact me sometime last week and we'll discuss the terms.

Yours sincerely,

Michelle.

I wonder if I'll get a reply.