2002-12-06 at 2:04 p.m.

Piney will be right here, exclusive to Me Lose Brain- Uh Oh!, and spreading his half-assed brand of Christmas merriment to the masses (that is, until December 26, when he will be unceremoniously pulped and turned into Home Brand Toilet Tissue- 1 ply).

I was tooling some of my old files the other night, and came across an old email forward I'd saved- 'A Karmic Message For Peace and Happiness'. I'm sure you all know it. Basically, it's a series of 'life instructions', written to enhance the 'good karma' in your life, and eradicate the 'bad karma'.

Normally, I have a lot of repect for the theory of Karmic Alignment. But not today.

Therefore, in the interest of cheap laughs and personal self-indugence, I present my version of that email.

(Everything in italics are my own personal revisions).

Eat a lot of brown rice sugar

Learn by heart your favourite poem dirty limerick

When you say "I love you", mean it- at least until you sober up

When you say "I am sorry" look at the other in the eyes and cross your fingers behind your back

Do not ever make fun of other peoples dreams, unless they involve a goat, a bathtub full of custard, the entire cast of M.A.S.H, and a lot of lubricant.

Make love deeply and with frequent lpassionhings. You may get hurt but it is the only way to live life fully.

If someone asks you a question you do not want to answer, smile and then punch them in the face.

Remember that the biggest loves and major successes entail greater risks amounts of arse-kissing.

Say "bless you" if someone sneezes farts

When you lose, do not forget the lesson to bitch and moan.

When you realize you have made a mistake, correct conceal it immediately.

Get married with a man/woman that likes conversation. When you are old, your ability to converse will be more important than any other sleeping with them will be really, really gross.

Read more books and watch less about TV

Live a good and honourable life. Later on when you will be old and you will remember the past, you will see that you will be able to live it a second time exactly how boring you really were.

A loving mood at home is important. Do everything you can to create a loving, harmonious and relaxed atmosphere, including drugging the local water supply.

When in disagreement, do not bring up the past unless it will win the argument for you.

Be kind with the Earth, but do whatever the hell you like to the ocean.

Do not trust a man or a woman that does not close their eyes when you kiss them they sleep.

Learn Make all the rules and then infringe some change them for no particular reason.

Judge your success in relation to what who you must renounce crush to obtain it

Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon trepidation. You�ll probably get burned.

Yes, I know, they're not all that good, and now Karma has it in for me, but it's my webspace, and I'll do what I want. Nyah.