2003-05-08 at 8:59 p.m.

Yesterday, I was sitting happily in the caf�, enjoying my fourth caffiene hit of the day and chatting with several friends. One of them mentioned that her ex-flatmate Pete (the man who used to be my god) showed up at the same party as her sister, with neither of them knowing that they shared mutual friends.

I immediately launched into a jittery, caffiene fuelled rendition of 'It's a Small World After All'.

"You know what, Michelle?" my friend James said, after everyone's ears had stopped ringing and the cleaning woman was sweeping the shards of shattered window glass into a dustpan. "You always have an appropriate song to sing. I've never met anyone else who always knows a song to fit in with every occasion".

I hadn't realised that before. Sure, I break into song spontaneously, frequently, and to the detriment of the general populace, but it's never occured to me that the songs I was singing were all that appropriate before.

Well, now I do. And I'm going to milk it for all it's worth.

(Stop groaning).

I have compiled, for your edification and recreation, a list of songs which are and are not appropriate for a wide variety of situations in which one may find oneself. Read on, gentle reader, and be enlightened.

Occasion- Wedding

Appropriate- Celine Dion- 'Colour of my Love'

Inappropriate- Prodigy- 'Smack My Bitch Up'

Occasion- Funeral

Appropriate- Mozart- 'Kyrie'

Inappropriate- Black Lace- 'Agadoo'

Occasion- Birthday

Appropriate- 'Happy Birthday To You'

Inappropriate- Daphne and Celeste- 'Ugly'

Occasion- Bah Mitzvah

Appropriate- 'Taranella'

Inappropriate- Anything by Michael Jackson

Occasion- Christening

Appropriate- 'Rockabye Baby'

Inappropriate- Sir Mixalot- 'Baby Got Back'

In completely unrelated news, my (straight married middleaged male) piano teacher called my (straight mildly homophobic male) friend 'sweetheart' today.

This worries me more than words can say.