2003-04-10 at 9:23 p.m.

To... the male model at the fashion parade I saw last week-

Yes, it is a raised walkway. Yes, you are supposed to walk down it. Why was this whole concept so confusing to you? It's not rocket science. It's not any form of science. It's not even advant-garde street theatre, for chrissakes. Why all the puzzlement? Unless 'bemused' is the hot look for Winter 2003.

To... the couple who insisted on kissing passionately in KFC, directly in my line of vision-

Guys, please. It may be possible that KFC tastes better when sampled via someone else's tonsils, but I am trying to eat my value meal in peace over here. KFC is not a haven for romance. It's not the Ritz. It's not a Motel 6. It's not the alley outside a strip club. It's not the back seat of a Torana. And lady, you'd better have spilled some mayonaise on your neck at some point, because the alternative just creeps me out.

To... the makers of 'Dreamcatcher'-

What the heck was up with that ending? I mean, the movie was going along nicely for a while. Lots of gore, demon possession, nasty alien slugs with lotsa teeth- everything we've come to know and love from Stephen King. Then, suddenly, the movie just ends. Huh?

Oh, and why was Morgan Freeman billed as the lead actor? He had about five lines in the entire film. Oh, and while I'm at it, why was the head alien British?

To... the manufacturers of the music computing software, Finale-

WHY THE HELL WILL THIS DAMN THING NOT LOAD ON MY COMPUTER? I'VE INSTALLED THE DAMN THING FIVE TIMES, AND IT STILL WON'T WORK!

AAAAAAAARGH!

To... the good people at Oxford Dictionaries-

Why is there not a word for 'the occurance of waking up in bed, and being very warm, comfortable and at peace with the world, and suddenly realising that you really, really need to urinate, and then spending ten minutes shifting uncomfortably and weighing up the pros and cons of getting out of bed'?

There should be a word for that.