2002-09-29 at 10:41 p.m.

Today I participated in HymnFest!� up at the Cathedral. HymnFest!� was perhaps the most boring Fest!� of any sort I have ever been to. Basically, the choir (us) had to sight read, in four part harmony, a lot of very boring and often quite complicated hymns, with the words printed on a separate sheet that may as well have been held up for us to read from Mexico, for all the good it did us. Most of us just guessed our way through every hymn, finally coming together on the last note. The entire concert was recorded by the Conservatorium, too. I�m sure that�ll be an absolute doozy of a tape to listen to.

After the HymnFest!�, a few of my friends and I went down to The Brewery for a nice, relaxing, post-concert drink. We were sitting back, quietly discussing Nietzsche over a game of Backgammon (as were are so often wont to do) when I knocked my glass over, shattering it, and sending red wine cascading all over my shirt.

As I attempted to mop the worst of it up with paper towels, my friend Charissa came back from the bar. �Not to worry!� she said, and proceeded to pour salt sachets all over my front. (I�m assuming this was in an effort to clean the wine off, not because I look better when covered in condiments). A lot of the salt went down the front of my shirt, and� well� when salt gets down the front of your shirt, it doesn�t stay in one place for very long.

Let me just say that there are some parts of the human body that should never, ever get salt on them. I learned that lesson the hard way tonight.

Ouch.

Anyway, you�re not here to learn that I�m a clumsy, salty oaf! You�re here to read about kittens! Wondrous, matchmaking, magical kittens!

(If you haven�t my previous entry, you might get a little confused by this one. So click here or here or even here. (But not here. Definitely not here) to find out what I'm talking about.)

An interesting side note I forgot to mention before- when I was checking �Enchanting Kittens� out of the library, I was very acutely aware that it was a very compromising �book� to be borrowing. Not only would I forever have �Enchanting Kittens� marring the otherwise exemplary taste I exhibit on my library record, but it was going to be very hard to defend my actions if somebody caught me in the process of borrowing it. So I attempted to hide it between some other books.

Sadly, and as usual, Murphy�s Laws were against me yet again.

The librarian grinned when she saw which �book� I was borrowing. �Enchanting Kittens?� she queried in a loud voice, attracting the attention of several other patrons, some of whom were attractive and male. I groaned inwardly, and explained that, to me, this was the literary equivalent of rubbing salt into a gaping flesh wound, she grinned again and said �you know, my sister borrowed this book the other week for the exact same reason as you. But after a while, she became completely drawn in, and ended up really enjoying it!�

Hmph. I�d soon see about that.

And now it�s time for my review of the first �story� in the �book�-

As soon as I began reading, I realised very quickly that this was going to be one of those stories where the author over-describes everything, in order to compensate for her lack of plot, narrative structure, and plain old common sense. Here, reproduced in full, is the first paragraph of the story.

So, basically-

Creighton turns out to be not only a rich bastard, but also a rich warlock bastard as well. Guess I should have seen that one coming, huh?

So, he�s looking into his kooky crystal, and sees something that upsets him. He calls for his son, Blake Farewell. You can just tell that with a name like Blake, he�s going to be the romantic lead.

Is it just me, or does absolutely nothing in that entire paragraph make sense? What the hell are �buff unmentionables�, anyway?

So, Daddy Dearest informs Blake that he has become subject to the family curse. But rather than being cursed with premature baldness or impotence, Blake is told that he must marry the girl with the snowflake shaped birthmark by Halloween, or the whole family will have to go and serve the fairies for all eternity.

Blake is unperturbed by this.

Are we all a-swoon at Blake�s fiendish charms, ladies? Excellent! Let�s move on.

So, Blake sets out to win over the girl, but is stopped on the way by one of his ex-sex toys, a witch named Trillion. He tells her to bugger off. Trillion makes a few perfunctory comments about womankind, sisterhood, and the fact that Blake is an arrogant prick. She then reveals herself as the Queen of the Fairies, turns Blake into a kitten, and flies away, laughing maniacally.

Blake is not happy about this turn of events at all.

So, bereft of his rugged and manly good looks, and with a couple more legs (and an infinitely smaller appendage, one would assume, which doesn�t matter, because at no point in the story does he ever stop thinking with it) he wanders into Snowflake Chick�s village (which, incidentally, is called Chancellorville, but doesn�t seem to have much of a government at all. Now that�s irony!). A couple of dogs decide he would make a tasty hors douvre, and attempt to eat him. Sadly, though, he is rescued by- you guessed it- Snowflake Chick, whose name turns out to be Alwayna. (Attention, Disneyworld staff- we have run out of �Alwayna� license plates at the gift shop. Repeat- we are out of �Alwayna� license plates). Blake follows her home, and gets adopted by Alwayna and her �not very good comic relief character� guardians- two witches named Dorinda and Bathsheba, who have over-enchanted their pot plant so that it is engulfing the house. Alwayna tries to fix it with magic, instead makes a giant beanstalk, and they all go apeshit trying to cut it down with frying pans before the giant can climb down it. (It may interest you to know that this is actually part of the story. Even I couldn�t make up this crap).

Anyway, life returns to normal in the household of inept witches, until Blake realises that he can turn back into a man (or, as the book cover puts it, �his own devastatingly handsome self�) for short periods of time. So, he does this, only to realise that he apparently can�t morph clothes. So he quickly puts a petticoat on (all-female household, remember?) and tries to seduce Alwayna.

Understandably, it doesn�t go very well.

So, he turns back into a kitten, and makes a mental note to wear clothes next time.

A few days later, Alwayna is trying to turn a rose blue, as we all attempt to do at some point or other, when Blake shows up in human form again. This time-

At no point does the author mention where he actually got such stunning clothes. Anyway, this attempt at seduction goes a little better. Alwayna still thinks Blake is a violent psychopath, but at least she knows now that he�s a rich violent psychopath.

Shortly after this, Alwayna and interchangeable-comic-relief-witches go to a coven meeting. (For such a small place, the village appears to have a very high witch-to-normal person ratio.)Blake sneaks into the meeting in kitten form. All the other witches give Alwayna grief about how crap she is at magic for a while, and then Blake-the-kitten leaps up on the table. Immediately, all the women want to kill this adorable, innocent ball of cute fluffiness (understandably). Alwayna has to prove that she�s a real witch to save her kitten�s life. So, she decides to turn a red rose blue. Then-

Long story short, the rose turns blue, the witches are all happy. Meanwhile, Blake�

Wasn�t that touching, boys and girls?

Anyway, Blake shows up in human form every now and then, romances Alwayna, and then secretly turns back into the kitten. The rest of the time, Alwayna and Blake-the-kitten run around the village, doing good and magical deeds for their fellow man. Then, one night, the interchangeable-comic-relief-witches get pissed on wine that Alwayna has accidentally love-charmed (of course) and Alwayna and Blake-the-human have a big pash in the forest and declare their undying love for each other. But when Blake proposes, Alwayna discovers she has commitment issues and refuses, changing her mind (of course) as soon as Blake leaves and changes back into a kitten. When she gets home, she discovers her house has turned into a horrifying Hallmark vision of death-

And to add to the general nauseating atmosphere, Alwayna chooses this moment to sigh and moan about her lost love-

Bleaaaaargh!

That night, Trillion, Queen of the Fairies, shows up and tries to coerce Alwayna into living in fairyland with her. (Remember, if Alwayna and Blake get married, Trillion gets no lovely servants for all eternity). Alwayna is about to agree, when Blake-the-kitten shows up. He pretends to be injured, and yowls in a pathetic and heartstring-tugging way.

Eeeeeeew. Apparently, Alwayna has a bit of a kitten fetish.

Anyway, Alwayna refuses. Trillion gloats some more about how they�ll all belong to her soon anyway, and disappears.

The next day, the town is overrun with fairies, which are stealing food, breaking things, and kicking people in the arse a lot. �Fairies-B-Gon� Pest Exterminating Services prove useless, so the witches do the only thing they can- go to some warlock named Damien for help. They bugger off to his castle in the mountains, and begin to look for a nice fairy-repelling spell. Blake chooses this moment to turn human, tell Alwayna that he�s actually her pet kitten, and propose again. This time Alwayna accepts (probably something to do with that kinky kitten fetish mentioned earlier), and tells her friends and family that she wants to marry her pet cat. Obviously, they are a little put out by this, but, knowing Alwayna�s penchant for beastiality, agree eventually.

So, the wedding guests arrive. A very confused priest is informed that he must thwart the law of God and marry a girl to a cat. The fairies have been picking on him, however, and he�s so dazed and exhausted that he agrees. (God would be a bit narky about that, one would imagine.)

So, the wedding begins. Immediately, the priest turns out to be Trillion in disguise, who does a little more maniac laughing before gloating about the fact that Blake and all his kin are her slaves for all eternity.

But then�

Then something happens with church bells and stuff, but I didn�t really catch it because I was puking forth my entire existence at the sheer, saccharine sweetness of that last paragraph.

Anyway, they have a big pash, the fairies all leave or explode or something, blue roses rain from the heavens, and the power of Love saves the day.

Summary- Love, shmove. My eyes haven�t been in contact with anything this sickly sweet since my sister accidentally shoved a stick of fairy floss into my retina at the Easter Show. I was also waiting in anticipation for the human/kitten love scene, but, alas, it never materialised.

Oh well, two more stories to review. It can only get better from here, right? Right?

Coming next- �A Bewitching Minx� by Nancy Lawence.