2003-02-09 at 12:48 a.m.

I have found the coolest internet toy ever.

Type anything into the top window, hit 'Translate', and, in the bottom window, you'll see what the text would look like if typed by a twelve-year-old AOL user.

I find this far more amusing than I should.

So, for your enjoyment, I have been running the classics of literature through this thing. Much like Forsooth!, this is a guessing game- guess the original text- that is, before it had OMG ROFL LOL WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! added to it.

Let's go!

2 B OR NOT 2 B TAHT IS DA QUESTION

WH3TH3R TIS NOBLER IN DA MIND 2 DA SLNGS AND AROWS OF OUTRAEGOUS FORTUNE

OR 2 TAEK ARMS AGANEST A SAA OF TROUBLES

AND BY OPOSNG END THAM???????!! OMG WTF LOL 2 DEI 2 SLEP

NO MORE AND BY A SLEP 2 SAY WA DA HAART-ACHA AND DA THOUSAND NATURAL SHOKS

TAHT FL3SH IS H3IR 2 TIS A CONSUMATION

D3VOUTLY 2 B WISHD11!! LOL 2 DEI 2 SLEP

2 SLEP PARCHANC3 2 DRAM AY THEYRE TEH RUB

FOR IN TAHT SLEP OF DEATH WUT DREMS MAY COMA

WH3N WA HAEV SHUFLAD OF THIS MORTAL COIL

MUST GIEV US PAUSA THEIR TEH RESPECT

TAHT MAEKS CALMITY OF SO LONG LIEF

FOR WHO WUD BAR TEH WHIPS AND SCORNS OF DA OPRESORS WRONG TEH PROUD MANS DA PANGS OF DASPIESD LOVE DA LAWS DA INSOLANCE OF OFIEC AND DA SPURNS

TAHT PATEINT M3RIT OF DA UNWORTHY TAEKS

WHEN HA HIMSALF MIGHT HIS QUEITUS WIT A R BODKIN???!! OMG WTF WHO WUD FARD3LS BAR

2 GRUNT AND SWEAT UNDER A W3ARY LIEF

BUT TAHT TEH DREAD OF SOMATHNG AFT3R TEH UNDISCOVERD COUNTRY FROM WHOSE BOURN

NO TRAEVL3R R3TURNS PUZLES TEH WIL

AND MAEKS US RATH3R BAR THOSE ILS WA HAEV

THAN FLY 2 OTHERS TAHT WA KNOW NOT OF

THUS?!??!? CONSCEINCA DOES MAEK COWARDS OF US AL

AND THUS DA NATIEV HUA OF R3SOLUTION

IS SIKLEID OER WIT TEH PAEL CAST OF THOUGHT

AND 3NTERPRIESS OF GRAAT PITH AND WIT THIS REGARD THEYRE CUR3NTS TURN AWRY

AND LOSE DA NME OF ACTION-SOFT!11!!! U TEH!!!1!1 OMG WTF LOL FARE OPH3LIA!111! OMG WTF LOL NYMPH IN THY ORISONS

B AL MAH SINS REMAMBRD

!111!!1!

1 AND GOD SPOKA AL THESE WORDS SAYNG

2 IM TEH LORD UR GOD WHO BROUGHT U OUT OF TEH LAND OF 3GYPT OUT OF DA HOUS3 OF BONDAEG!1!11!! WTF

3 U SHAL HAEV NO OTHER GODS BFORE ME111!!!! OMG

4 U SHAL NOT MAEK FOR UR A GRAEVN IMAEG OR ANY LIEKN3S OF ANYTHNG TAHT IS IN HEAEVN ABOVE OR TAHT IS IN TEH 3ARTH BN3ATH OR TAHT IS IN DA W8R UND3R DA AARTH

5 U SHAL NOT BOW DOWN 2 THEM OR S3RV3 THEM FOR I TEH LORD UR GOD M A JEALOUS GOD VISITNG DA INIQUITY OF DA FATHERS UPON DA CHILDR3N 2 DA THIRD AND TEH FOURTH G3NARATION OF THOS3 WHO HAET M3

6 BUT SHOWNG STEADFAST LOV3 2 THOUSANDS OF THOS3 WHO LOVE ME AND KEP MAH COMANDM3NTS11!!11 OMG WTF LOL

7 U SHAL NOT TAEK DA NME OF DA LORD UR GOD IN VANE FOR TEH LORD WIL NOT HOLD HIM GUILTLES WHO TAEKS HIS NMA IN VANE111!

8 REMAMBR DA SABATH DAY 2 KEP IT HOLY!!1!1!!

9 SIX DAYS U SHAL LABOR AND DO AL UR WORK

10 BUT TEH SEV3NTH DAY IS A SABATH 2 DA LORD UR GOD IN IT U SHAL NOT DO ANY WORK U OR UR SON OR UR DAUGHTER UR MANSERVANT OR UR MADESERVANT OR UR CATL3 OR DA SOJOURN3R WHO IS WITHIN UR GAETS

1 FOR IN SIX DAYS TEH LORD MAED HAAEVN AND EARTH DA SAA AND AL TAHT IS IN TH3M AND RESTED DA S3VANTH DAY THEIR DA LORD BLES3D DA SABATH DAY AND HALOW3D IT!!1!!!11 WTF LOL

12 HONOR UR FATHER AND UR MOTHAR TAHT UR DAYS MAY B LONG IN TEH LAND WHICH DA LORD UR GOD GIEVS U1!!!11!1

13 U SHAL NOT KIL!!11!! OMG

14 U SHAL NOT COMIT ADULTERY1!111!!! WTF

15 U SHAL NOT STAAL!!!! WTF LOL

16 U SHAL NOT BAR FALS3 WITNES AGANEST UR NEIGHBOR11!!! LOL

17 U SHAL NOT COV3T UR N3IGHBORS HOUS3 U SHAL NOT COVAT UR NEIGHBORS WIEF OR HIS MANS3RVANT OR HIS MADESERVANT OR HIS OX OR HIS AS OR ANYTHNG TAHT IS UR NEIGHBORS!!1!!! OMG WTF

18 NOW WHEN AL TEH PEOPLE PERC3IEVD DA THUNDERNGS AND TEH LIGHTNNGS AND DA SOUND OF DA TRUMPAT AND TEH MOUNTANE SMOKNG DA PEOPLE WERE AFRADE AND TR3MBLED AND TH3Y S2D AFAR OF

19 AND SADE 2 MOS3S U SPEAK 2 US AND WE WIL H3AR BUT L3T NOT GOD SPAAK 2 US L3ST WE DEI!111!11 OMG WTF

20 AND MOSES SADE 2 TEH P3OPLE DO NOT FAAR FOR GOD HAS COM3 2 PROVA U AND TAHT TEH FAAR OF HIM MAY B BFORA UR EYES TAHT U MAY NOT SIN11!11 OMG WTF

21 AND DA PAOPLE S2D AFAR OF WHIEL MOSAS DREW N3AR 2 TEH THIK DARKN3S WHER3 GOD WAS1111 OMG LOL

2 AND TEH LORD SADE 2 MOS3S THUS U SHAL SAY 2 TEH PEOPL3 OF ISRAEL U HAEV SEN FOR UR TAHT I HAEV TOKED WIT U FROM H3AEVN!!!1! OMG WTF

23 U SHAL NOT MAEK GODS OF SILVER 2 B WIT M3 NOR SHAL U MAEK FOR UR GODS OF GOLD!1!11 OMG WTF

24 AN ALTAR OF AARTH U SHAL MAEK FOR ME AND SACRIFIEC ON IT UR BURNT OFERNGS AND UR PEAEC OFERNGS UR SHEP AND UR OXEN IN EVARY PLAEC WHERA I CAUSE MAH NM3 2 B R3MEMBRED I WIL COME 2 U AND BLES U!!!!1 LOL

25 AND IF U MAEK MA AN ALTAR OF S2NE U SHAL NOT BUILD IT OF HEWN S2NAS FOR IF U WEILD UR 2L UPON IT U PROFAEN IT!!!!

26 AND U SHAL NOT GO UP BY STEPS 2 MAH ALTAR TAHT UR NAEKDNAS B NOT AXPOSAD ON IT!!!!1!!! WTF

AT1111!1!! WTF WHICH DA CH3RUBS LAUGHED AND CLAPED

WAEVD FISTS AND CALAD OUT WO1!!1 OMG WTF WO11!1!1 WTF WO

THEN!11!11! LOL GOD SADE BUT MAN INDED WIL FAL

2 SATANS WILY TRIKS WIL HE SUCUMB

IMENSELY DOTH THIS CHAPATH MIEN HIED

THUS11!11 OMG WTF LOL MUST HA LOSE DA GRAEC IN WHICH I CLOTH3D HIM

AND THUS MUST THEIR DEI AND AL HIS CHILDREN DEI

AND AL THERE CHILDREN ALSO AND THERE CHILDR3NS CHILDREN

AND SO ON FOR EV3R AL OF THEM!1!!!1 WTF LOL AND ALSO THERE P3TS

HARSH!!!!11 LOL WORDS!!!111!1 LOL AND DA CH3RUBS W3RE KIND OF SCAERD

AND!1!11! LOL GOD SADE UNL3S ONE FROM MONG YE

WUD FRELY SACRIFIEC UR FOR MAN

WUD SUF3R HIS PUNISHM3NT FOR HIM

THIS SENT3NC3 I IMPOS3 WITHOUT APAAL

AND!!1!!11 OMG WTF LOL TEH HEAEVNLY CHORUS R3SOUND3D AS IF!1!!!! OMG WTF LOL

Worked out your answers? Excellent! Let's get to the results then, shall we?

To be, or not to be: that is the question:

Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer

The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,

Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,

And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep;

No more; and by a sleep to say we end

The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks

That flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation

Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep;

To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub;

For in that sleep of death what dreams may come

When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,

Must give us pause: there's the respect

That makes calamity of so long life;

For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,

The oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely,

The pangs of despised love, the law's delay,

The insolence of office and the spurns

That patient merit of the unworthy takes,

When he himself might his quietus make

With a bare bodkin? who would fardels bear,

To grunt and sweat under a weary life,

But that the dread of something after death,

The undiscover'd country from whose bourn

No traveller returns, puzzles the will

And makes us rather bear those ills we have

Than fly to others that we know not of?

Thus conscience does make cowards of us all;

And thus the native hue of resolution

Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,

And enterprises of great pith and moment

With this regard their currents turn awry,

And lose the name of action.--Soft you now!

The fair Ophelia! Nymph, in thy orisons

Be all my sins remember'd.

-Shakespeare- Hamlet, Act III Scene I

1: And God spoke all these words, saying,

2: "I am the LORD your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage.

3: "You shall have no other gods before me.

4: "You shall not make for yourself a graven image, or any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth;

5: you shall not bow down to them or serve them; for I the LORD your God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children to the third and the fourth generation of those who hate me,

6: but showing steadfast love to thousands of those who love me and keep my commandments.

7: "You shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vain; for the LORD will not hold him guiltless who takes his name in vain.

8: "Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy.

9: Six days you shall labor, and do all your work;

10: but the seventh day is a sabbath to the LORD your God; in it you shall not do any work, you, or your son, or your daughter, your manservant, or your maidservant, or your cattle, or the sojourner who is within your gates;

11: for in six days the LORD made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that is in them, and rested the seventh day; therefore the LORD blessed the sabbath day and hallowed it.

12: "Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land which the LORD your God gives you.

13: "You shall not kill.

14: "You shall not commit adultery.

15: "You shall not steal.

16: "You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.

17: "You shall not covet your neighbor's house; you shall not covet your neighbor's wife, or his manservant, or his maidservant, or his ox, or his ass, or anything that is your neighbor's."

18: Now when all the people perceived the thunderings and the lightnings and the sound of the trumpet and the mountain smoking, the people were afraid and trembled; and they stood afar off,

19: and said to Moses, "You speak to us, and we will hear; but let not God speak to us, lest we die."

20: And Moses said to the people, "Do not fear; for God has come to prove you, and that the fear of him may be before your eyes, that you may not sin."

21: And the people stood afar off, while Moses drew near to the thick darkness where God was.

22: And the LORD said to Moses, "Thus you shall say to the people of Israel: `You have seen for yourselves that I have talked with you from heaven.

23: You shall not make gods of silver to be with me, nor shall you make for yourselves gods of gold.

24: An altar of earth you shall make for me and sacrifice on it your burnt offerings and your peace offerings, your sheep and your oxen; in every place where I cause my name to be remembered I will come to you and bless you.

25: And if you make me an altar of stone, you shall not build it of hewn stones; for if you wield your tool upon it you profane it.

26: And you shall not go up by steps to my altar, that your nakedness be not exposed on it.'

-The Bible, Exodus, Chapter 20

In Heav'nly light sat God upon his Throne,

Watching o'er His creation, and beheld

The flight of th'Enemy expostate.

"Come, mine Son," said God, "Hie thee hither,

And get a load of this."

And Jesus, who was right there anyway,

At the right hand of God, as always,

Looked where the Father was pointing,

Beheld Satan on his curs�d journey.

Said God, "He's going to th'Earth, that Fiend,

To corrupt and pervert the Creatures I hath wrought

In mine own image."

To which replied the Son: "I'll stop him!"

To which the Father: "Nay, son, nay;

Man hath I created Wise and Able,

Well can he withstand Temptation.

And yet, if not, it's not Mine Fault,

For I am without Fault, and Great."

To which replied the son, "You the Man."

To which the Father, "No, You the Man."

At which the cherubs laughed and clapped,

Waved fists and called out, "Woo! Woo! Woo!"

Then God said, "But Man indeed will fall,

To Satan's wily Tricks will he succumb,

Immensely doth this chappeth Mine Hide.

Thus must he lose the Grace in which I clothed him,

And thus must therefore die, and all his children die,

And all their children also, and their children's children,

And so on for ever, all of them. And also their pets."

Harsh words! And the cherubs were kind of scared.

And God said, "Unless one from among ye

Would freely sacrifice yourself for Man,

Would suffer his Punishment for Him,

This sentence I impose, without appeal."

And the heavenly chorus resounded: "As if!"

-Paradise Lost, translated by Greg Nagan

I'm quite sure there's a point here.

I'm just not quite sure what it is.