2004-03-22 at 9:45 p.m.

On the weekend, I was given two giant bags full of sheet music. They came from a deceased estate, which is how I've obtained a lot of sheet music in the past, including my musical pride and joy - an original copy of the music to 'Yes, We Have No Bananas' (with additional ukulele accompaniment).

Along with copies of Bach, Liszt and Franck compositions, I also received around 75 old song sheets from the thirties, forties and fifties. Several of them were so old that they exploded into dust the instant I removed them from the bag, making me look like an amateur stage musician struggling with his pyrotechnics. Many more of them were, quite frankly, boring as fuck. Most of these featured titles like 'And I Love You So', 'Under The Bridges of Paris', and 'Smack My Bitch Up*'.

However, there was some absolute gold hidden among those song sheets. Songs that are guaranteed to be smash hits at your next party, wedding, or cult meeting. A collection of tunes suitable for every occasion - provided, of course, that all the guests on these occasions are deaf.

And here they are...

Who is this enigmatic sailor with the winning smile, corncob pipe, and stripy K-Mart T-Shirt? My bet is that he's the missing member of the Village People, who was fired for being too gay (as well as just plain scary).

The lyrics to 'Pearly Shells' are as follows-

Well, how lovely. Any girl would feel just dandy knowing that she is ranked at least slightly higher than a bunch of dead animal casings. Now that's romance.

Here we can see the first ever song about both STDs and threesomes. Observe from the lyrics -

It sure doesn't mess around, does it? Referring to recurring fevers, that burning sensation down there... it's all really quite progressive, and surely paved the way for that Monty Python Song, 'Inflammation of the foreskin reminds me of your smile'.

And speaking of sexual liasons...

I believe this to be one of the first openly pro-gay songs - the photo on the cover is certainly proof enough of that. However, if you need more convincing, take a look at the lyrics -

You certainly can't declare your homosexual intentions any more clearly than that, but just in case the point has been missed somewhere along the line, the song adds

Frankly, I'm amazed there's no techno club remix of this song playing in every gay bar the world over.

And, continuing with our homosexual theme, may I proudly present -

I'm not entirely sure why the subtitle of this song is 'BAA! BAA! BAA!' At first I assumed it had something to do with New Zealanders, but perusal of the chorus lent a few more clues to the mystery -

Clearly, this was written by some sort of religious fanatic. I want all Whiffenpoofs out there to know that the views in this song are not shared by me, or anyone at 'Me Lose Brain - Uh Oh!'***. However, I do recommend that you all bathe, at least once in a while.

And speaking of religion, may I present reason No. 1,467,523 that I am going to Hell?

Anyone who knows me even vaguely will know exactly what I thought upon first viewing that title. It certainly didn�t help that I�d just been perusing �The Whiffenpoof Song�. It also didn�t help that this book of religious music contains songs entitled �Come Together� (which, I might add, is reprised twice � quite a busy time this lot is having, eh?), �Blest be the Tie�, �May I Introduce You To A Friend�, and �Is He Coming For You?�.

I�m a bad, bad person.

And last, but certainly not least in our cavalcade of crap songs, may I present-

Let me talk you through this image. The brooding man with the Brylcreamed hair at the bottom of the picture is the pimp, and all the scantily attired women are his hos. Knowing that he�ll lose much of his Bling Bling if his bitches get a bit on the chunky side, he offers them the following advice �

Now, I thought Atkins was a fairly limited diet, but this is ridiculous. (Although I suppose it�s still a high protein diet of sorts).

At the bottom righ corner of this image, you can read the words 'Yes, Yes, Bend Down Sister' (possibly a testimonial from a satisfied customer). Unfortunately, my scanner has cut off the bottom line of this caption, which reads

I'm not entirely sure what this refers to, but I'm guessing it's illegal in most countries - and frequently requested in certain parts of Singapore.

*Not actually true. The real title of the song was 'Smack My Fuckin Ugly Skank Bitch Ho Up', but I felt that kind of language has no place on a family web site. That's why I've used it here.

**Note: This odd method of capitalisation is common in sheet music of this type. I can only assume it was so you wouldn't forget what the song was called.

***This is because I am the only person at 'Me Lose Brain - Uh Oh!'

****I swear to God I�m not making this up.