2003-08-12 at 7:48 p.m.

Say one is at one's place of business or study. Hypothetically, let's say, the cafeteria of your learning institution. The lights go out. The sun has almost set, and the only light is coming from the 'EXIT' signs. You are surrounded by giggly, overexitable music students. What do you do? What do you do?

Easy! Simply follow Michelle's Guide to Blackout Etiquette!

The following are all acceptable activities-

-Performing Pachelbel's canon, the themes from all your favorite eighties soap operas, and the mating call of a humpback whale at full volume on a kazoo

-Working filty sexual innuendoes into every single sentence

-Surreptitiously groping the person next to you

-Using the word 'dark' every two minutes

-Playing wink-murder, even though there's not enough light to see anyone winking anyway

-Tell ghost stories using the greenish light from your mobile phone display window as a torch

-Consume copious amounts of cashews

-Go outside and watch the traffic free-for-all that occurs when traffic lights aren't working

-Ask the cafe staff to give us food at greatly reduced prices, or indeed for free

-Bitch loudly about every singer at the Conservatorium before realising that one of them is actually sitting at the table

-Wonder out loud every five minutes when the lights will come back on

-Become temporarily blinded when they finally do. Say 'I'm blind! I'm blind!' repeatedly until told to shut up.