2003-04-29 at 8:03 p.m.

1. LIVING ARRANGEMENT? I give the Mafia their monthly kickback, and they don't kill me.

2. WHAT'S ON YOUR SCREEN SAVER? Exploding sheep. Really.

3. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? I tend to read three or four books simultaneously. Right now, I'm reading 'The God of Small Things', 'Ulysses', 'Harry Potter and the Prizoner of Azkaban', and 'See Spot Run'.

4. FAVOURITE MAGAZINE? 'Extreme Checkers Monthly' and 'Cute Little Fuzzy Bunnies of the World' magazine.

5. FAVOURITE SMELL? Victory.

6. LEAST FAVOURITE SMELL? Sulphur and Brimstone (though I guess I should really be getting used to those, huh?)

7. FAVOURITE SOUNDS? The sound a set of bagpipes makes when crushed from above by a two-ton weight pushed from a thirty storey building.

8. WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD? The one administered to me by Bobby Herschelwitz in the fourth grade. He'd just eaten a stick of fairy floss, and his hand wound up being stuck to my arse for several hours.

9. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING? Hurmstlskrjerahawhaaa?

10. FAVOURITE COLOUR? Heliotrope.

11. HOW MANY RINGS BEFORE YOU ANSWER THE PHONE? I never answer the phone. I have minions to do that for me.

12. YOUR FIRST CHILD'S NAME? Ruddeger.

13. WHAT IS MOST IMPORTANT IN LIFE? Good friends, good health, and an olympic sized swimming pool full of orange jello.

14. FAVOURITE FOODS? The hearts of my enemies, served raw. And chocolate.

15. IF YOU HAD THE CHOICE BETWEEN YOUR DREAM JOB OVERSEAS OR STAY WITH YOUR PARTNER, WHAT WOULD YOU CHOOSE? Since my dream job is 'Evil Overlord', I can work from anywhere I damn well want to. Problem solved.

16. DO YOU LIKE TO DRIVE FAST? Yes. Even though I'm unlicensed. And suffer from frequent and spontaneous narcolepsy.

17. DO YOU SLEEP WITH A STUFFED ANIMAL? Yes. It's a Puma. I bagged in the African wilds from 500 metres. The taxidermist did a great job at preserving the surprised look on its face.

18. DO YOU LIKE STORMS? Yes. They provide the raw electricity to give life to my unholy creations.

19. WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST CAR? A Matchbox fire engine. *Beep!* *Beep!* Neeeerrrrneeeeerrrneeeeerrrr CRASH spooyoooyoooyoooyinggggg...

Ah. Good times.

20. IF YOU COULD MEET ONE PERSON DEAD OR ALIVE, WHO WOULD THAT BE? Jesus, because he's both.

21. FAVOURITE DAY OF THE WEEK? August. No, wait... that's not a day, is it? Can I try that again?

22. FAVOURITE PET YOU OWN? Ruby, the rat. (There's also The Omnipotent Aardvark, but he's been on holiday in the Bahamas for several months and hasn't even sent me one lousy postcard. Bastard.)

23. DO YOU EAT THE STEMS OF BROCCOLI? Stems, leaves, hands, eyeballs, whatever.

Perhaps I should stop buying genetically modified food.

24. IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY JOB YOU WANTED WHAT WOULD IT BE? Evil overlord. Or professional drunk.

25. YOUR HAIR, WHAT COLOUR WOULD YOU PICK? Ecru

26. IS THERE ANYBODY THAT YOU FANCY? Tony Danza.

27. IS THE GLASS HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL? Once I'm done with it, neither.

28. TWO FAVOURITE MOVIES? 'Dead Poets Society' and 'Backdoor Sluts 9'.

29. DO YOU TYPE WITH YOUR FINGERS ON THE RIGHT KEYS? I type with my feet, and occasionally, my elbows, so- no.

30. WHAT'S UNDER YOUR BED? Dust bunnies, books, a toy piano, fifty empty Diet Coke bottles, Jimmy Hoffa, and an interdimensional portal.

31. WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE NUMBER? One million, eight hundred and fifty three thousand, nine hundred and forty seven. And three-eighths.

32. FAVOURITE SPORT TO WATCH? That new X-treme one- 'Fast animals, slow children'.