2002-09-28 at 12:48 p.m.
It all began one Friday afternoon.
I was browsing through the library, looking (oddly enough) for books to read over the holidays. Little did I know that it was waiting for me.
I innocently bent down to inspect a lower shelf. I stared for a moment. Then I reeled back in horror, clutching my heart in shock.
What literary tome inspired this terror? Stephen King? Michael Crichton? The collected works of the Marquis De Sade?
No. It was-
Three crafty kittens use their Halloween tricks to bring lovers together�
Oh. Dear. God.
I should mention that this was in the adult fiction section. Sitting next to the works of Charles Dickens, D.H. Lawrence and Jackie Collins. I�m sure Gore Vidal is rolling in his grave, excepting that fact that he�s not actually dead yet.
This �book� consists of three �stories� by three different �authors�, about how some feisty felines decide to open a dating service and make humans fall in love with each other. Here�s what the book jacket has to say about each of the �stories�.
On his way to foil a fairy�s curse by marrying the beautiful witch maiden, Alwayna, high-born warlock Blake Farewell is turned into an adorable black kitten. It�s a blow to the handsome duke� pride- and a predicament that could mean banishment from the moral world� until he discovers he has the power to turn back into his own devastatingly handsome self when he�s alone with Alwayna.
�A Bewitching Minx� by Nancy Lawrence
Lord Sebastian Byfield blames his pretty new neighbour, Amelia, for the unearthly sounds that have recently shattered the crisp autumn nights. He�s bemused to learn that she�s just as puzzled as he is to the source of the ghostly noises. But there�s no mistaking the intentions of her kitten, whose matchmaking antics always end with Amelia falling into Sebastian�s arms.
�The Black Cat� by Hayley Ann Solomon
One moonless night, Lord Guy Santana meets a lovely young woman carrying a black cat. �I am your destiny,� she cries, then vanishes. His lordship is certain this strange encounter must have been a dream. But when Guy wins the cat in a wager, it leads him back to the mysterious beauty� and he knows he must do anything to make her his bride.
Let these three magical stories be our Halloween treat for you!
I�ll be discussing these �stories� individually over the next week or so. But first, I want to take a good, long, steamy look at the �book� itself.
Firstly, all the �stories� are �written� by women. Women with two common interests- sickly, overly dramatic love stories, and adorable little kittens. No offence to the women out there, but you would never, ever, in a hundred billion years, see a man writing this stuff. If given a choice between poking white hot needles into their eyes, and writing a story about matchmaking kittens, the smell of burning eye socket would fill the room faster than you could spit. That said, most women would be standing right there with the men, plunging the white hot metal spikes into their flesh. So, we�re obviously dealing with a special breed of person here.
The Cat Person.
There is only one Cat Person. One Cat Person with many names. I have met The Cat Person many times, in many forms and guises. The Cat Person might own any number of cats, from one to one hundred, but her insane devotion to these animals is what sets her apart. Her walls are lined with photos of cats. Her cats tend to have names like �Snuggles� or �Pumpkin� or �Snugglepumpkin�. She buys that fancy cat food that comes in a little flat tin with foil on top. Her cats wear pastel pink and blue collars, studded with rhinestones or zirconias. She takes her cats with her on holidays. Cat books fill her shelves. All she talks about is cats. All she thinks about is cats.
(And I�m not just referring to those who call themselves �cat people� as opposed to �dog people�, either. I mean, there are those that appreciate cats, and there are those who are obsessed with them. Similarly, there are those who listen to and appreciate the music of KISS, and there are those who follow the band around the world, buy the shirts, buy the limited edition dolls, and get married in full KISS regalia and face paint.)
Okay. So, three Cat People �write� �stories�. Then they go to the publisher.
�Hi there, Mr or Mrs Publisher! We�ve written some �stories� about matchmaking kittens! Give us a book deal!�
Unlikely.
Which begs the question� how on earth did this �book� get published?
Seeking the answer to this question, I went to the website of Zebra Books, the publisher of �Enchanting Kittens�.
The first books I saw on the site was a series entitled �A Bride for Lord ______�, where ______ equalled some Lord with a name like Chalmond or Brasleigh.
This explained a lot.
I took a quick look at some of the other books.
I found- Emerald Embrace, Fortune's Desire, Handsome Devil, Seducing Lord Sinclair, By Desire Bound, Ties of Love, and, just for a change of pace, Hilariously Gross Jokes Vol. XXIX.
Now I can see how �Enchanting Kittens� got published. After producing endless books about horny Lord Burklebottom and randy Pirate Captain Brighton, they were desperate for new stories. And then a new manuscript arrived-
�Kittens! We haven�t done kittens yet!�
�Yes! Kittens will be our savior!�
�Hooray for kittens!�
Yes, thankyou Zebra Books. Because of your pioneering efforts in the field of promoting matchmaking kittens, we have this �great� piece of �literary� �genius� to read, enjoy, and tear into little damp bleeding shreds. Zebra Books, I salute you!
Coming soon- A review of �A Fairy Tail� by Cindy Holbrook.
Note- Shortly after typing this up, my flatmate came to my bedroom door."Michelle" she said, "There's a cat at the door for you".
I looked out the front door. Sitting there was the neighbour's cat, Suki, staring at me in a very accusatory way.
I think they're onto me.
Oh, well. Least she didn't try to matchmake me with anybody.
