2002-11-18 at 10:15 p.m.

On Sunday night I was conned into singing in a Church Evensong service.

My friend Sam is a composer, and one of his compositions was being performed by the Cathedral Choir that night. Since I'm a) an alto (the Cathedral Choir has two altos and about five million sopranos), b) a gullible fool, and c) in Sam's debt, he convinced me to help out.

The service was going along fine. We were dressed in spiffy orange robes, we'd sung Sam's 'Magnificat', we'd ponderously sightread our way through a few hymns, we'd done the responses.

Then came the sermon.

Of course, I wasn't listening.

My mind wandered aimlessly, settling idly on any thoughts that happened to be passing through, like 'goats', 'lava lamps', 'doomsday devices' and 'how the hell do they get Teflon to stick to the pan? And what the hell is Teflon, really?'. Then, without warning, my mind betrayed me.

A song became firmly lodged in my head.

But not just any old song. Quite possibly the worst song you could ever, ever get lodged in your head whilst sitting in church. It was a Whitlams song my friend Kyle had been singing earlier that day, and it went-

I sat there, as this little ditty went into auto-playback in my brain, and thought as hard as I could-

I'm sorry I'm sorry oh God I'm so sorry it won't get out of my head please don't strike me down with lightning or boils or syphillis or the cast of Full House I'm so sorry I really am blame Kyle it's his fault smite him down Jesus has got an erection ARGH sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry...

I realised that the only way I was going to beat this was to get another song stuck in my head. So, I went for the most inoffensive song I could think of-

Thankfully, it worked, and God refrained from wreaking His Almighty vengeance on me.

For now.

The other interesting part of the service came in the form of one of the bible readings. I now present, for your consideration-

"Again, it will be like a man going on a journey, who called his servants and entrusted his property to them. To one he gave five talents of money, to another two talents, and to another one talent, each according to his ability. Then he went on his journey. The man who had received the five talents went at once and put his money to work and gained five more. So also, the one with the two talents gained two more. But the man who had received the one talent went off, dug a hole in the ground and hid his master's money.

"After a long time the master of those servants returned and settled accounts with them. The man who had received the five talents brought the other five. 'Master,' he said, 'you entrusted me with five talents. See, I have gained five more.'

"His master replied, 'Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master's happiness!'

"The man with the two talents also came. 'Master,' he said, 'you entrusted me with two talents; see, I have gained two more.'

"His master replied, 'Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master's happiness!'

"Then the man who had received the one talent came. 'Master,' he said, 'I knew that you are a hard man, harvesting where you have not sown and gathering where you have not scattered seed. So I was afraid and went out and hid your talent in the ground. See, here is what belongs to you.'

"His master replied, 'You wicked, lazy servant! So you knew that I harvest where I have not sown and gather where I have not scattered seed? Well then, you should have put my money on deposit with the bankers, so that when I returned I would have received it back with interest.

" 'Take the talent from him and give it to the one who has the ten talents. For everyone who has will be given more, and he will have an abundance. Whoever does not have, even what he has will be taken from him. And throw that worthless servant outside, into the darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.' "

Now, everyone try saying the line 'weeping and gnashing of teeth' while keeping a straight face.

See? I knew you couldn't do it.

Yes, I get upset sometimes. But never, ever, even in my darkest hours, have I felt inclined to gnash my teeth. Besides, that can really chip up your enamel.

I also feel a bit sorry for the third servant. Sure, he didn't make any extra money, but if the other two servants tried the same trick today...

'You have reached the Biblical Bank. Your call is important to us, and so is your money, and trust us, you will never see it again, so you might as well hang up now. Thankyou, and have a nice day.'

Then there would be much weeping.

And gnashing of teeth.