2003-06-20 at 8:33 p.m.

"Private Griffin- Atten...shun!

At ease.

Now, Private, as you know, tomorrow is an important day for this squadron. We've been waiting months- years- for this day, and I won't have you screwing it up, understood? Right. Your mission is as follows-

Lockdown until 0500.

At 0500, you will wake. You will shower, get dressed in your Hogwarts T-Shirt, and eat that Hazelnut Snickers bar you've got stowed away in the fridge. You'll need all the energy you can get, soldier.

At 0545, Private Charissa will collect you in her bright green Mobile Command Unit with the fuzzy seatcovers. She will convey you both to your target- Angus & Robertson Bookworld.

0600- You will take up a position on the pavement outside the target. You will gush enthusiastically. One of you may be dispatched to purchase warming beverages from the 7-11. You will hold your position there until 0900, no matter how many civilians should join you.

At 0900, you will begin your assault on the target. You shall kick numerous small boys in wizard hats wearing plastic glasses aside. You shall elbow small girls in the sturnum. You shall use unprintable profanity. In short, you shall do whatever it takes to ensure that you get a copy of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, and get it quickly.

At this point, you shall send a gloating text message to your sister, bragging about possessing said book.

From this point on, Private, your mission is clear. You shall return to Command Central and read, read with a tenacity unheard of before. You shall not pause for food or sleep until you find out what the hell Dumbledore's been hinting at about Harry's heritage in the previous novels. You shall not rest until you discover who gets killed. You shall not budge until the entire book is completed, is that clear, Private?!

Excellent.

Get a good night's sleep, soldier. Tomorrow is going to be a long day".