2003-02-04 at 5:34 p.m.
The other day, I talked about Tony Hawks' book, 'One Hit Wonderland'.
I finished reading it this morning. Good book. I recommend it to all of you. (Well? What are you waiting for? Go read it! Now!)
Last entry, I posted the complete lyrics to 'Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through The Goalposts Of Life'. Today, I'd like to share with you the country hymn that Tony Hawks himself wrote while in Nashville.
'I mean, one of those happy clappy 'we all love God' songs couldn't be too hard to knock off? Surely? All you had to do was go on and on about how God had infiltrated every part of your body and that how, as a direct result of that, you no longer felt the need to inject heroin or beat up loved ones as often as you had done previously.
Spurred on by a combination of excitement and strong coffee, I took out my napkin and began to scribble some words. They flowed from me, and soon a beautiful, sensitive lyric was written.
And I've got holy water on the knee,
He's there between my toes and he gets right up my nose,
I guess it's just his way of loving me.
~~~~~
Yes, I've got the Lord in my armpit,
He's a headache that really doesn't hurt,
I can feel his ripples in my pious pointy nipples,
And if you're lucky you can see them through my shirt.
~~~~~
Cause he's here, he's there, he's omnipresent everywhere,
He's a busy bee that Lord of mine, I don't know how he finds the time,
He's filled himself right up inside of me
(It's been over a week, I don't like to take a leak)
~~~~~
Yes, I've got the Lord in my armpit,
And you can hear him loud and clear in my cough,
He's the wax in my ear that means I cannot hear,
Whenever people tell me to sod off.
~~~~~
He's there in the clenching of my buttocks,
And you can have him where you like if you don't sin,
The Lord could be your nanny in every nook and cranny,
So open up your bowels and let him in.
~~~~~
Exhausted by the effort, I stopped and looked at my work. I rather liked it, but I had a strong feeling that I might upset people if I ever sang it out loud. Sometimes, I reflected, it's best to understand you're going to be a misunderstood artist before you create any misunderstanding.'
And as for my lyrics to 'I Done Gone Smacked You Upside Da Head'? Well, to be honest, I haven't started them yet. And although it would be preferable to the world at large that they remain that way, I'll write them soon enough.
I really am that bored.
