2003-02-03 at 2:34 p.m.
Lately, I've been reading a book called 'One Hit Wonderland' by Tony Hawks.
(Note: I am not very far into the book yet, so please don't email me or message me, saying things like 'Hey, wasn't it great at the end of the book when...' as this will force me to do unspeakably horrid things to you).
Tony Hawks is a man who likes to take amusing and unusual bets. For example, he once hitchiked round Ireland with a fridge, and played tennis against the Moldovan football team. This time, he'd been dared to have a Top Twenty music hit, anywhere in the world, within two years.
His first attempt was to write a country music song, and take it to Nashville, attempting to sell it to the record execs there. His reason for doing country music was-
Then to prove this, he proceeded to list the titles of several Country & Western songs which have actually been written and recorded.
Upon reading them, I fell off the bed.
�I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me�
�I Don�t Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling�
�I Wanna Whip Your Cow�
�I�d Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me Than A Frontal Lobotomy�
�You Can�t Have Your Kate And Edith Too�
�You Can�t Roller Skate In A Buffalo Herd�
�Pardon Me, I�ve Got Someone To Kill�
And my personal favorite-
After I'd controlled my hilarity long enough to haul myself into a sitting position, I started wondering... 'How many more songs like this are out there?'
So, I consulted the internet.
And, once more, fell to the floor laughing.
Here is a choice selection of other actual Country & Western song titles-
'May The Bird Of Paradise Fly Up Your Nose'
'I'll Get Over You As Soon As You Get Out From Under Him'
'You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat'
'You Stuck My Heart In a Old Tin Can and Shot It Off a Log'
'I've Got The Hungries For Your Love And I'm Waiting In Your Welfare Line'
'Oh, I've Got Hair Oil On My Ears And My Glasses Are Slipping Down, But Baby I Can See Through You'
'Mama Get The Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)'
'You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly'
I looked and looked for recordings of these songs. Thankfully for the sake of humanity, but sadly for twisted individuals like myself, no recordings appear to exist.
I did, however, manage to chase up some lyrics.
And so, for your cultural enrichment, I present to you the full lyrics to 'Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through The Goal Posts Of Life'.
End over end, neither left nor to right.
Straight through the heart of them righteous uprights
Drop-kick me, Jesus, through the goalposts of life.
Make me, Oh make me, Lord, more than I am
Make me a part of your master game plan
Free of the earthly tempestions below
I've got the will, Lord, if you've got the toe.
Bring on the brothers who've gone on before
Bring on the sisters who've knocked on your door.
Bring on those sainted relations of mine
And put them up front in the offensive line.
(I was also able to find the lyrics to 'May The Bird Of Paradise Fly Up Your Nose', but they're oddly unamusing).
As usual, the high grade stupidity witnessed here has inspired some high grade stupidity of my own.
I have big plans for my first Country & Western hit, 'I Done Gone Smacked You Upside Da Head', and will post the lyrics here after I get around to writing them.
Yeehaw!
