2002-10-28 at 8:33 p.m.

I was walking up Darby St today when I was accosted by a 15 year old twerp, and her two male, baggy-panted, baseball-capped 15 year old twerp offsiders. The following conversation ensued.

Girl- �Excuse me. Are you pregnant?�

Me- �Nope. Just fat.�

Girl- ��..�

And they walked off.

Moral of this story- When someone is obviously setting up an insult of some sort, simply get in first. Nothing is more irritating.

Other things I considered saying-

�Yes. To my brother.�

(In deep voice) �What are you talking about? I�m a man!�

�Uh huh! Twins!� (pointing at breasts)

�Yea. I am facilitating the return of Christ.�

(To male offsider) �I thought you weren�t going to tell her! And you owe me three months child support, you lazy fuck!�

I�ve been having a lot of nightmares lately.

It�s typical stress reaction. The pressure at uni is mounting rapidly, and my coping strategy is- bumble through each day in my little bubble of obliviousness and denial, then go home and let my psyche take it out on me as I sleep. But these nightmares� well, my dreams are pretty weird as it is. My nightmares are weirder.

Here are a few prime examples-

1) I am doing some laundry. While hanging the sheets on the line, I put down a book. I accidentally place the book on top of a scorpion. The scorpion tries to attack the book for a while, gives up, turns into a small cartoon horse, leaps onto my back, and proceeds to bite my right shoulder.

2) An evil sorceress has enslaved the world. The evil sorceress is a girl I went to primary and high school with, but exchanged less than a dozen words with in all that time. Then she spontaneously turns into Winona Ryder, laughs maniacally, and steals every pair of pants I own. Harry Potter characters are also involved, somehow.

3) Something about evil monkeys. It�s kinda blurry.

Someone once told me that dreams are just the brain�s way of ensuring that everything is still working in there while you sleep. So, basically, every night, there�s a little roadie in my head going �Check, one, two. Check, check, one, two. One, two.�

If my dreams are any indication of the road crew, I really don�t want to think about the band .