2002-10-29 at 10:00 p.m.

I was sitting at my computer a few moments ago, innocently checking my email and downloading sweet sweet goat porn. Suddenly and without warning, I was struck by a brilliant and astounding revelation. Amid a rapturous chorus of angelic voices, the hand of God Almighty reached down from on high and bitchslapped me. I saw, with astounding clarity, how simple it all was.

I had discovered a foolproof method of avoiding all of life's little inconveniences.

This is a method so ingenious, so inspired, and yet so amazingly simple, that I could set up an expensive, three day seminar to train people in it. However, I believe it is my sacred duty to share this divine revelation with the world, so listen up. I am about to say the most important word you will ever hear in your entire life.

Scream.

Scream, and all doors are open to you. Scream, and problems fade miraculously away. Scream, my friends, and the world is your proverbial oyster.

Perhaps you're confused. Therefore, I shall illustrate the application of this method to a number of potentially irritating situations.

Situation- You are having a nice, hot, relaxing bath. The tub is full of bubbles, you are reclining decadently in the steaming water, and are happily reading 'Pride and Prejudice', 'A Short History of Quantum Theory', or 'Jugs' magazine. Your choice.

Suddenly, your idyll is shattered.

The phone rings.

Grumbling, you answer it.

"Hello, could I speak to Mr or Mrs Burklebottom? Hi, I'm calling on behalf of Instashield, and today we have a special offer on double-glazed windows..."

A telemarketer.

Now, you could just hang up. But that won't stop them. They'll just call back later. You could just listen to their sales pitch and get it over with, but water is pooling around your ankles and you've just realised that your copy of 'Jugs' is submerged at the bottom of the bath.

So, you open your mouth.

And you scream.

Long, and high, and loud.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH..."

"Sir? Sir? Are you all right, sir?"

You pause for breath.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH..."

And, before you know it, the clear hum of the dial tone is singing in your ears. And they won't ever, ever call you back. That's for sure.

Situation- You have sprained your ankle, and are waiting in the Casualty Ward of the hospital. You've been sitting there for longer than you can remember- so long, in fact, that you are covered with a light film of dust. People who have the audacity to bleed all over the floor are treated before you, even though you were there first. The most recent magazine was printed in 1975, and a Seventh Heaven Marathon is being shown on the waiting room television.

What do we do now, boys and girls?

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH..."

"Ma'am? Ma'am? Are you in pain?"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH..."

"I'll get the doctor right away, ma'am."

You've successfully jumped the queue. And once you do see the doctor, he'll probably pump you full of lovely drugs to stop you from screaming. Drugs you couldn't even buy on the back streets of California. And it's legal, dammit! Legal!

Situation- That ugly dropkick with a crush on you has been following you around again. At lunchtime, he corners you for the fifth time that week, and asks you out to dinner.

Should you just put up with it? Try to let the guy down easy, and not hurt his feelings?

Remember- you don't have to put up with it.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH..."

That guy will back away so fast that he'll leave a nice, person shaped cutout in the wall behind him. And he will never, ever, bother you again.

So, now you know the Way of the Scream. You know how to apply the Way of the Scream. But before you integrate the Way of the Scream into your own life, I would like to give you the following pointers.

1)Let's talk timbre. A good scream should be nice and high- somewhere around the 'shatters glass' mark, but be careful you don't escalate to a pitch that only dogs can hear. Boys, this will be more difficult for you, but you all know what you've gotta do. Grab the package, and give it a good yank. Impotence is but a small price to pay.

2)Delivery. Do not be hesitant. Pause only for breath. Ignore the questions, protests, or hurled objects of your friends and colleages. Just scream until the way before you lies clear.

3)Safety First. Always remember to scream from the diaphragm (no, not thatdiaphragm, you sick losers) to avoid damage to the throat and vocal cords. Keep your back straight, and knees slightly bent for extra support.

4)When Two Screamers Meet. Should you be confronted with another versed in the Way of the Scream, you shall both greet each other, give the secret handshake, and embrace like bretheren. Then you shall both scream until one of you passes out cold. The winner may then do a short victory dance.