2002-12-12 at 10:18 p.m.

Last night I was out at the pub (as I so often am these days), and conversation turned to one of our absent friends, Shannon. She's currently in Sydney, hanging out with some American exchange students.

One of the guys at the table remarked, in the intelligent and enlightened manner that characterises the Australian male-

"Aw, yeah, I met those guys, and I thought they were a bunch of fucking faggots. Because of the accents, like? But then I realised they were just American."

I turned to him.

"What is the difference between a straight man and a gay man?"

He shrugged. I answered.

"Six beers".

He blushed (guiltily?) for a second, then regrouped and responded-

"Yeah? Well, it's only gay if you take it!"

"Uh huh. So, it's not gay to fuck another man up the ass, but it is gay if another man fucks you up the ass. Is that right?"

He blushed again, and let the subject drop.

So, there you go, people. It's only gay if you take it. Remember that.

And the 'six beer' theory? It's all true. People have run scientific tests and everything. And you can't argue with science. (Unless it involves grafting tiny rat heads onto things.)

I'm friends with Santa Claus!

Well, one of his 'helpers', anyway.

Jordan has landed a holiday job being 'Santa' at a mall outside of town. So, Catherine and I, sweet, devoted friends that we are, made the pilgrimmage out to see him, support him in his cause, and gratuitiously point and laugh.

The bus trip out there took an hour and a half.

A long, hot, stuffy, boring, stifling hour and a half.

Once we finally got there, we managed to find 'Santa' about three minutes before his lunch break. He tried to conceal himself with his hat when he saw us coming. Idiot.

After we'd pointed and laughed for a while, we waited for him to change, then had lunch.

There's a lake near the shopping mall, so Jordan urged us to see the sights that the lake afforded. Namely, the seagulls.

Jordan bought a bag of bread, and we spent the next half hour turfing it to the gulls. Want to spend an entertaining time at the expense of nature? Then turfing bread at seagulls is for you. Not only is it fun to watch them jump, squark, bite, and attack their own kind in pursuit of a few crumbs of bread, but every now and then one will take on a piece of bread slightly too large for it, and spend the next twenty minutes trying to work down the gigantic lump of dough in their throats. Sounds oddly morbid? That's because it is!

After lunch, Catherine and I looked around the (very few) shops for a while, then went back to point and laugh and Jordan some more. We both got photos taken with 'Santa', then sat around and watched his interactions with the kids. He got drooled on, climbed up, cried at, photographed, assulted by middle-aged, singlet-wearing men, stared at shamelessly, mugged for lollipops, and accidentally inhaled a good portion of his synthetic beard.

All in a day's work for Jolly Ol' St Nick.

I must say, it's the first time I've ever heard Santa tell anyone to 'keep it real', though.

I'm going back to Bathurst on Saturday, to be with my family over the holidays. We're spending a week there, and then leaving for Casino, a small town on the NSW/QLD border. (Ironically, there are no casinos in Casino). The town is known for three things- 'Beef Week', searing heat, and being full of my relatives.

I was on the phone to my sister, discussing Christmas presents. My sister mentioned that she'd bought an extra present for dad on top of the present we'd both contributed to for him.

"Yeah, I might get him something else- chocolates or something" I said, then added "No. Wait. That's a bad idea. As soon as we get to Casino, they'll all melt".

"That's true".

"So, I've got to buy something that won't melt in Casino."

"That rules out plastic".

"And wax".

"And liquid".

"And glass".

"And paper".

"And wood".

"And metal".

"So, basically, I have to buy him something made of either stone, or Reinforced Titanium".

"Basically, yeah."

Anyone know where I can buy a Reinforced Titanium shaving kit?

Piney says-

"Have an adequately jovial Christmas and an acceptable New Year"

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