2004-04-25 at 10:21 p.m.
There's a series of ads being shown on Australian TV for a toilet cleaner made by Harpic. They open with the animated, anthropomorphic toilet attempting to make a getaway from the bathroom, bemoaning the state of cleanliness it has had to put up with in the past. 'Why can't I get a proper clean?' it wails.
Enter perky, moderately attractive female, who proceeds to obsessively clean the toilet using one of Harpic's fantastically wonderful new products. The toilet is now content, and happily returns to his designated spot in the bathroom. The ad ends with the product slogan emblazoned across the screen in great big letters-
Well, I've never really thought about it before, but after contemplation, I have decided what my toilet says about me.
It says that I am full of shit.
In fact, every toilet in the country - and, in fact, the world - is saying the exact same thing. They're all saying - 'you guys are completely full of shit. Look, you can drive around in your expensive cars, eat foie gras and use a mobile phone so small it cannot be seen with the naked eye all you like. It doesn't matter. Every single one of you is a walking crap factory. And trust me - your shit stinks'.
However, I think we can all take comfort in the fact that we are nowhere near as full of shit as the advertising executives for Harpic. Those guys have the market cornered.
And while I'm here - another survey. Why the heck not.
Firsts
First job: I don't know if anything I've done can be classed as real work (a lot of people wouldn't think so, anyway). But when I was a kid, I used to wash the car and dad would give me two bucks. I guess that was my first job.
First screen name: Tamantha*. Still using it.
First self purchased album: Umm... I think it was some sort of compilation CD of the early nineties. I believe it had Shaggy on it, and quite possibly Peter Andre.
First crush: Esteban from the cartoon series The Mysterious Cities of Gold.
First funeral: Nana Griffin.
First piercing: Ears.
First credit card: VISA
First true love: Sleeping.
First enemy: A girl called Courtney. She hated me and thought I was 'square'. I thought she was a total and utter bitch. I believe that she now works for the Department of Veterans Affairs or something, and I get to run around being all artistic. Who's the square now, Courtney?
First big trip: Going to Japan with a school group when I was fifteen.
First play/musical/performance: First one I saw (or at least remember seeing) was a high school production of 'Grease'. First one I was in was singing in a choir in an eisteddfod at the age of six. We sang a song about socks. It was awesome.
Lasts
Last cigarette: End of last year sometime.
Last car ride: Getting dropped home by my dad after spending an evening scarfing my parents' food.
Last bus ride: Between Bathurst and Lithgow about three weeks ago.
Last good cry: I think it was when my pet rat Chai died.
Last library book: 'Stupid White Men' - Michael Moore
Last movie seen: 'Pirates of the Carribean'. Johnny Depp is a god unto us all.
Last beverage drank: Tea strong enough to tar a highway.
Last food consumed: 'Mint Slice' biscuit.
Last Crush: Johnny Depp in 'Pirates'. He has eyeliner on, people! EYELINER!
Last phone call: Call to mum.
Last tv show watched: Sadly, 'American Idol'.
Last time showered: S'morning.
Last shoes worn: Ugh Boots! Autumn chill must bow down before my ratty, torn, stained, incredibly warm Ugh Boots!
Last annoyance: Heater Mouse.
Last disappointment: The snow cone I ate today was completely devoid of flavour, and I managed to spill it all down my front.
Last ice cream eaten: Choc top!
Last shirt worn: Light brown men's T-shirt which reads 'Personality Under Construction'.
Last website visited: www.michaelmoore.com
* I actually stole it from a friend of mine. Shhh. Don't tell.
