2002-12-29 at 2:51 p.m.

Well, I'm back.

*Cue cheesy piano music of the sort that plays when the villain enters stage left during a pantomime*

I hope everyone had a good Christmas, full of cheer and laughter and hugs and optimism and flowers sprouting out their ears. Despite my misgivings, my holiday actually did have its moments. A few salient facts-

-Upon our arrival at my grandmother's house, she launched into a diatribe that lasted for 45 solid minutes. She didn't even pause for air. I contemplated investigating if she had an oxygen tank strapped somewhere to her person, then realised what that particular search would entail, and scrapped the idea.

-I am now completely unable to consume pig or any pig-related product. The amount of dry, overcooked ham and pork that we were forced to eat during the week should be classified as a Cruel and Unusual Torture by the Geneva Convention.

-It actually rains in Casino. Who knew?

-One of my cousins has a fair dinkum, honest-to-goodness mullet. I have not the words.

-I totally suck at backyard cricket. No Aussie Christmas Day is complete without it, however.

-The presents you buy for yourself at the post-Christmas sales are always infinitely better than the presents you get for Christmas. I mean, what kind of Christmas present is a toothbrush?! (Well, I guess a practical and, eventually, a useful one, but come on! It's a toothbrush!)

-My sister's snores are more effective at inflicting constant psychological pain than Chinese water torture.

-Patroclus and Achilles were so gay.

Quote of the week- My family was eating dinner at a Chinese resturant in Tamworth on the way home. My sister spake up-

"Don't you just love Chinese food?"

*Looks down into plate*

"What the hell is that?"

And finally, Piney is gone. I'm sure he'd send you his respects for the new year, but, sadly, he has been turned into one-ply toilet paper.

Rest in pieces, my friend.