2003-02-02 at 1:28 p.m.
While browsing randomly around Diaryland today (and it is most disheartening to discover how many people are better, funnier writers than I am) I discovered-
Basically, the premise is- you write a suck ass poem. You submit it, and it gets published on the site. You don't need any skill, talent, or literacy. And thusly, the fun begins.
Some favorite poems-
If I had a penis
I would wirte your name
If I had a penis
I would write your name
in the snow
Silly cat
It's a computer mouse
Not a real mouse
Now back off
Before I spritz your face again.
Stupid cat
Deep in the bowels of my washer
And in the hot turgid gaping dryer
There is a portal to another place
The lost sock dimension...
Swirling and whirling
Hotter and hotter
The spin cycle creates a wormhole
And then... gone...
The sock has lost its buddy
To a dimension of dirty laundry
Single socks litter the lost laundry-landscape
No more pairs, no more leg hairs...
The socks run wild and free!
And the epically titled...
fuck you
my ankle hurts
my ankle hurts
fuck you
my ankle hurts
fuck you
fuck you
my ankle hurts
vagina
But, of course, I wasn't merely content to read and enjoy the poems on offer. If you've learned anything about me by now, it's that I don't sit idly by and let others hog all the glory. I want a piece of the action, damnit.
And therefore, I am proud to present to you my very own Suck Ass poem.
A fridge that doesn't keep things cold,
A microwave imbued with mould,
Some eggs which are extremely old-
It makes me quite distressed.
My kettle is a home for ants,
The cheese is growing grey-ish plants,
The jaffle-iron stole my pants!
My kitchen is possessed.
And though the kitchen's quite obscene
Please don't suppose that I don't clean!
Such an assumption would be mean
And blatantly untrue.
No matter how I scrub and spray
The Kitchen Demons always stay
To torment me another day-
What is a girl to do!?
So, whaddaya think? Does it suck? But more importantly, does it suck ass?
I think so.
So, now the ball's in your court, people. Go and submit your own Suck Ass poem. (Don't worry if you aren't a Diaryland member, I don't think you need to be). And to conclude with the words of the immortal bard, William Shakespeare-
And I think there's something in that for all of us.
