2003-01-13 at 10:16 p.m.

Melrose Place. The Young and the Restless. The Bold and the Beautiful. Days of Our Lives. Passions.

Pikers. Absolute pikers, each and every one of them.

To you all, I propose a new soap opera- 'Casa De Chelle'- which, with its melodramatic plot twists and nail-biting tension, will annihilate every other soap opera there is. And, in this case, everything is completely and utterly true. Unfortunately, in this case.

On Sunday night, at around 11pm, Michelle (our protagonist) was happily typing away on her computer. Suddenly, she heard a muffled sound come from the room next door. The room next door belonged to her new flatmate, Natalie, who had moved in literally hours before.

Michelle paused, listening. There were no further sounds from the adjoining room, so she continued her typing.

Five minutes later, there was a knock on the door of her room.

Michelle opened it. There stood Natalie, face streaked with tears.

�Oh my God. What happened?�

�He� he just� he tried��

�Come in here. Tell me what happened.�

Through her sobs, Natalie continued- �I was lying in bed� I was asleep� when something told me to wake up, you know? And I saw him standing over me� I wasn�t dressed or anything� and he asked� if I wanted to� and reached for the fly of his pants��

Michelle immediately went into shock.

�Oh� my God��

�My boyfriend�s coming. I rang him and� Ivan was still outside the door��

Telling Natalie to stay put, Michelle stormed across the hall.

�What the fuck did you think you were doing?�

Ivan was standing in the centre of the room, carefully avoiding eye contact.

�Why the hell did you fucking do that?�

�I don�t know! I don�t know!�

�Yes, well, maybe you should have thought of that before, you fuckwit! Nat�s boyfriend is on his way right now, and I personally will not stand in the way of anything he does. You are in deep, deep shit.�

Michelle returned to her room, where Nat was a little calmer. They heard the door of Ivan�s room close, and the front door open and shut. Michelle poked her head out.

�He�s done a runner.�

A few minutes later, Nat�s boyfriend, Wayne, arrived. Deciding that staying in the house was probably not very safe tonight, both Nat and Michelle went to stay the night at his house.

Later, in Wayne�s living room, over several beers, the three post-mortemised the situation.

�That door is pretty hard to open, anyway. He must have had to force it.�

�Yeah, and he would have had to climb around several boxes I put near the door�.

�He went to a fair bit of effort, then�.

�I cannot believe he did that�.

Conversation turned, eventually, to other things, and in the early hours of the morning, they went to bed.

The next day, Michelle and Natalie went down to visit the real estate agent. After they had told their story, he wholeheartedly agreed that Ivan had to go.

�Why does my house always attract the Froot Loops?� Michelle pondered to herself., reminiscing on one of her previous flatmates, �Rick the Junkie Drag Queen� (but that was a flashback to be had in another episode).

Upon arriving at �Casa De Chelle�, music could be heard from behind Ivan�s door. Michelle knocked.

�Ivan?�

*Through the door * �Yes?�

�I just thought you should know- you�re being evicted�.

*silence *

�You have two weeks to get yourself out. We�d prefer it to be sooner�.

*silence *

�You�re lucky we haven�t gone to the cops about this�.

*silence *

�Your dad has been called�.

*silence *

Michelle and Natalie returned to the kitchen. After a long while, Ivan was heard, phoning his father. There was silence, and then..

�Fuck! Shit! Fuck! I am never drinking again! I�m a fucking idiot! This is going onto my fucking record, isn�t it! Dad, I�m not like that! I�m not�� The rest was unintelligible wailing.

Nat�s boyfriend, Wayne, arrived at the house shortly after for moral support, closely followed by Ivan�s father.

�Hi, Michelle. I�m so very, very sorry about this. He�ll be out of the house today, I promise. He�s not really a bad kid. He just made a terrible mistake. And we understand why you want him gone�.

Ivan�s mother arrived soon afterwards. Michelle answered the door.

�Hi, Michelle. Don�t ever have children.�

Ivan left, with his parents, shortly afterward. They would be back to collect his things in the morning.

He was gone. For good.

Phew.

See? Add some tacky eyeliner, pastel pant-suits with enormous shoulder pads, and long, vacant stares every thirty seconds, and you�ve got yourself an award-winning soap opera.

I think my part should be played by Heather Locklear. Don�t you?