2003-01-11 at 4:52 p.m.

Just thought I'd share the (short) conversation I had with some random pervert via ICQ a few minutes ago.

muso34: (4:43 PM) Hi, this is Dave calling from WA. I am 25, 6'1", short brown hair, green eyes, solid build, 88kg. I will chat about anything that turns you on. I will even phone you if you would like to hear my voice.

Lets talk sometime.

Tamantha: (4:43 PM) What if I'm turned on by rabid goats and poly-resin lawn furniture?

muso34: (4:44 PM) 13,000 women online and I pick the one with exatcly the same interests as myself!!!

What are the odds of that happening?

Tamantha: (4:45 PM) Small, yet strangely predictable.

That was the last I heard of him. He must have since found some overweight 45 year old man posing as a 17 year old girl who was willing to indulge his rabid goat sexual fantasies.

And while we're on the topic of random perversion, let's talk about sex shops. Why? Because we can.

Yes, I've been into sex shops. I've stood and stared at things which, before that precise moment, I'd considered physically impossible. I've wondered what the hell that thing over there is used for. I've pointed and laughed shamelessly at the corny titles of porn videos. I've seen what is probably the world's largest buttplug (not something to really be proud of, but interesting trivia nonetheless). I've wondered who the hell would want to fuck one of those supposedly 'realistic' sex dolls that, in reality, look like oddly stuffed, flesh coloured sofas with surprising amounts of orifices. I've drooled at thigh-high patent leather boots with killer heels that I will never be able to afford, look good in, or indeed, remain upright in, but want to possess nevertheless. And yes, I have actually purchased things from sex shops (no, I will not tell you what those things are).

On the whole, guys are worse in these places than girls. Especially guys who have never been into a sex shop before. (I've also noticed that straight guys will not even glance in the direction of the gay porn, but women, in general, have no problems looking in the lesbian section. Could someone explain this mental anomaly to me, please? Thank you). They run around like kids in a particularly perverted candy store, squealing unashamedly- "Oh my God! Look at that! Oh, that is sick! Urgh! *loud laughter* Hey Bob! Come over here and see what this chick is doing with a camel and a rotary hoe!" And so on, and so forth.

Case in point- I was looking through a sex shop with my ex-flatmate, Jess, her friend Bec, and Bec's boyfriend, Shane. There was also a group of three or four guys in the store, and they were giggling like schoolgirls, and occasionally firing off comments at us like "Hey, sweetheart, does this turn you on?" *holding up particularly graphic video cover* "You like having that done to you, honey?" "Hey, check it out, girls! This chick's got a dick!"

Eventually, Bec got sick of this. Picking up a video, she walked over to one of the guys. "Here you go, boys. Here's a video for ya" she said, thrusting the box into the guy's hands. He looked down at the title.

The front cover was devoted to a particularly graphic picture of a man demonstrating how, with a little genital manipulation, this was possible.

I've never seen anything like the look of embarrassment, horror, and uncontrollable fascination that flashed across that man's face at that moment. I doubt I ever will again.

As we were leaving/sweeping triumphantly from the store, we heard the clerk call across to the group of disillusioned, shell-shocked men-

"Okay, sunshines. Make your purchases or get out".

I wonder if they bought anything. I'm thinking not.

Meanwhile...

Jess is back in town, staying with me for a few days and picking up her remaining things. Spent yesterday shopping with her, buying clothes that I couldn't afford, and last night we went out with her new sort-of-kinda-going-that-way boyfriend, Matt, in tow. He's a primary teacher who also teaches at Brewarrina Central School (which Jess is loving, by the way). We had italian for dinner, then went out drinking and dancing. Whee!

It's Ivan's birthday, and he has been celebrating by holing himself up in his room and playing Cradle of Filth at high volume. Festive stuff.

Natalie, the other new flatmate, arrived literally five minutes ago. Will tell you all about her when I know something about her myself.

I cleaned the entire house the other day. Now it is fit for human habitation again. Not that I enjoyed doing it, of course. I don't want to be the clean one, dammit! I'm the messy one! The messy one!

I bought a book of Hans Christian Anderson fairytales today. The man I bought it from asked which school I taught Kindergarten at.

I found that amusing.

But not as amusing as the story I found in the aforementioned book, entitled- 'The Goloshes of Fortune'.

I believe they co-ordinate well with 'The Raincoat of Destiny' and 'The Big Purple Umbrella of Strange and Mystical Stuff'.