2003-03-11 at 7:11 p.m.

Wimp.

I was flipping through the TV Guide the other evening, when a particular advert caught my eye.

It was an ad for-

Ho, hum. Another dose of snake oil for the easily deluded masses. However, it was the title of the ad that made me spit Diet Coke all over the page-

Now, if you're anything like me, you've just been presented with a selection of mental pictures. None of these are very appealing, are they? In my opinion, the words 'broom' and 'intestines' should never be used in the same sentence, and, preferably, should be kept apart through the use of heavy steel plates and booby traps full of acid and telemarketers.

My interest well and truly arrested, I read on.

"The special food fibres within the "Quick Cleanse� program" work like an 'INTESTINAL BROOM', cleansing the inner walls of your colon allowing larger amounts of waste matter to pass easily through your bowel. This sweeping action scrubs away at your bowel wall washing away unwanted wastes, impurities, debris and pollutants and eliminating them."

Okay. I can thing of few things as uncomfortable as having something scrubbing away at my intestinal wall, especially if a broom is in any way involved.

There followed a disturbingly enthusiastic sub-heading-

My first thought was 'what sort of things? Are we talking 'chewed up bits 'o food' ugly, or 'La Toya Jackson' ugly? If I use this stuff, will Rosanne Barr be struggling her way out of my colon one day?

And why are they so damn enthusiastic about this? This is not something most people want to experience, so why make it sound like it's being said by a perky cheerleader named Britney? "Woo! Go Panthers! Go Panthers! We're Number One! We're Number One! You May See Ugly Things Come Out of Your Bowel! Woo! Yeah!"

Some more badly written text, singing the praises of the product, followed. The ad was capped off by the sentence-

I suppose it's a lot more catchy than "It's time to take a bunch of pills that will have you sitting on the toilet for hours at a time, watching Ugly Things Come Out of Your Bowel!"

The ad made reference to a webpage, so I decided to mosey on over there to obtain further 'information'.

"We at Totally Natural believe that Natural Foods, Exercise and Natural Supplements are vital for wholistic health, energy and a painless and happy long life."

When a supposedly holistic company misspells 'holistic', there is cause for alarm, methinks.

"We hope you enjoy viewing our site and that the information provided with-in serves good purpose for you and your family."

They also appear to be completely unable to construct a complete, cognitive sentence. Does anyone really want to give these people full access to their digestive tracts?

And, to top it all off, the homepage features a picture of two bright red naked arses.

This is not a good sign.

Please, if anybody purchases this stuff, email me and tell me how it went. I'm interested. From a purely scientific standpoint, of course.

Nah, who am I kidding? I just wanna laugh at ya.

Anyway, poop jokes aside, here's what's been happening during my fairly uneventful, week-long absence from this diary.

The Annual First Year Party- This gathering, occuring (funnily enough) annually, is both a chance for the new Con students to meet the old ones, and a chance for everyone to get completely wasted. I, however, remained relatively sober, and had fun observing my musical peers make complete asses out of themselves. I had agreed earlier in the week to take part in the 'Nudie Run' (a traditional part of the first year party) but, by the time it was late enough to go ahead with it, all my cohorts in nudity were unable to move, let alone run. And there was no way in hell I was taking that gig alone, thanks very much.

Anna and Helen's Housewarming Party- Two of my friends recently moved into a new flat, so we all gathered and made merry in their new abode. Some people made a little too merry, and there were emotional landmines going off all over the place, as people attempted to sort out their relationships, past and present. (The good thing about being constantly single is not having to worry about such things. I just knew my pathetic loserliness was bound to pay off one day!)

I was also paid the third-best weird-ass compliment of my life at that party, courtesy of Jordan-

"I wish you couldn't read".

(There's a story behind this as to why this is a compliment, but it's surprisingly boring).

I actually spent that night sleeping on Anna and Helen's floor (since I lacked the cash to catch a taxi home), and at 4am, Anna's cat Nimue decided it would be fun to play table tennis with my head.

Stupid cat.

Jordan was robbed yesterday evening. His backpack, along with the wallets of several of his housemates, was stolen while his flatmates were actually in the house. That is enormously scary.

He lost about $300 worth of piano scores, including several he'd only just got. Let me tell you, if I ever find out who did this, they'll need Quick Cleanse to remove my foot from their sphincter, such is the ass-kicking they'll receive.

My Diaryland buddy, Ray13, dared me to take this quiz and get 'Goats' as the answer. Well, Ray, I did! I didn't cheat or anything! I rule!

...in strange and unusual positions! Baaaaaah

What's your sexual perversion?
Created by ptocheia

Oh, and stay tuned for my next entry. It shall be a special one. (Whether that's special as in 'Special K' or 'Special Olympics', I leave to you to discover).