2003-03-04 at 5:30 p.m.

Jordan and I were at the pub. As usual.

We were reasonably tanked. As usual.

We were debating theology. As usual.

Well, okay, perhaps that isn't quite so usual. But it's one of those topics that does tend to crop up after we've had a few. Other such topics include- 'what music do you want played at your funeral?', 'The Life and Times of Franz Liszt', and 'So-and-so is a such a complete, utter, heinous bitch'.

Now, when it comes to matters religious, I'm not exactly the world's expert. I've been declared evil by an impersonal internet quiz (and we all know how infallibly accurate those things are). Besides, I am almost certainly hellbound (witness exhibits A, B, C, and D).

Jordan, on the other hand, knows a good deal more about Christianity than I do, mostly because he adheres to it and I don't.

We argued for a while about Creationist theory (he agreed with it, and I'm Charles Darwin's bitch), and he attempted to explain to me how the Holy Trilogy works (and I'm pretty sure he did a good job of it, too, but sobriety has consequently wiped his explanation from my mind). He also told me I'd make an excellent Jehovah's Witness, because they have to wear ties all the time (Jordan is all too familiar with my menswear fetish).

Then we started to talk about the Bible.

Okay, don't get me wrong. While I don't follow all of its teachings, I have a lot of respect for the Bible. However, there is one aspect of it that I will never, ever be able to take seriously.

Leviticus.

Chapters one through ten talk about the proper way to slaughter various livestock as sin offerings, which is fair enough. Back in the time this was written, God really, really seemed to enjoy a good barbeque.

However, it's around chapter eleven that things start to get a little silly.

11:9 These shall ye eat of all that are in the waters: whatsoever hath fins and scales in the waters, in the seas, and in the rivers, them shall ye eat.

11:10 And all that have not fins and scales in the seas, and in the rivers, of all that move in the waters, and of any living thing which is in the waters, they shall be an abomination unto you:

11:11 They shall be even an abomination unto you; ye shall not eat of their flesh, but ye shall have their carcasses in abomination.

Wow. I'm feeling pretty bad about all the shrimp I've eaten.

However...

11:21 Yet these may ye eat of every flying creeping thing that goeth upon all four, which have legs above their feet, to leap withal upon the earth;

11:22 Even these of them ye may eat; the locust after his kind, and the bald locust after his kind, and the beetle after his kind, and the grasshopper after his kind.

Locustburger, anyone?

Just to make sure the message is getting across, God starts to get a bit more specific.

11:29 These also shall be unclean unto you among the creeping things that creep upon the earth; the weasel, and the mouse, and the tortoise after his kind,

11:30 And the ferret, and the chameleon, and the lizard, and the snail, and the mole.

Cut all chameleon out of my diet. Check!

After a few chapters about the curing of leprosy-

19:19 Thou shalt not let thy cattle gender with a diverse kind: thou shalt not sow thy field with mingled seed: neither shall a garment mingled of linen and woolen come upon thee.

Most of my clothes are a poly-cotton blend. Uh oh.

19:27 Ye shall not round the corners of your heads.

That 'rounding the corners of your head' sound quite painful, doesn't it? Wait a minute... most people's heads don't have corners, do they? Perhaps back in Biblical times everyone looked like the Blockheads from Gumby.

21:18 For whatsoever man he be that hath a blemish, he shall not approach: a blind man, or a lame, or he that hath a flat nose, or any thing superfluous,

21:19 Or a man that is broken-footed, or broken-handed,

21:20 Or crookbacked, or a dwarf, or that hath a blemish in his eye, or be scurvy, or scabbed, or hath his stones broken;

21:21 No man that hath a blemish of the seed of Aaron the priest shall come nigh to offer the offerings of the LORD made by fire: he hath a blemish; he shall not come nigh to offer the bread of his God.

To me, this seems a little unfair. Surely this 'blemish' isn't the person's fault. I guess the priesthood wasn't such an equal opportunity employer back then.

The thing that confuses me most is when a verse is set out thusly-

19:18 Thou shalt not avenge, nor bear any grudge against the children of thy people, but thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself: I am the LORD.

This 'I am the LORD' conclusion happens six or seven times in every chapter. Surely we're not about to forget who's doing the talking here? Do we really need to be reminded quite so often?

Guy 1- Hey, Dave, whatcha reading?

Guy 2- The Bible.

Guy 1- Who's that by?

Guy 2- Um... I think his name is Bob... something.

Unlikely.

And to all those I've just offended horribly with my ill-informed rantings, I do apologise. I am of the belief that God has a sense of humor about the world- a deity without a sense of humour could never have created the platypus, for example, or George Michael. I'm just hoping he has a sense of humour about himself...

Or I'm in big, big trouble.

Eep.