2003-03-15 at 12:36 p.m.
The Brainy Awards!
And here's your host- Michelle!
*Camera does wide sweep across packed auditorium and comes to rest on Michelle, who is standing behind one of those 'award nights' podiums which are invariably too small, too short, and made of either glass or some impossibly shiny metal*
"Thank you, thank you. Welcome to this smug, self-indulgent celebration of... me!
You know, when I first started this diary on that fateful June afternoon in 2002, I thought it would merely be a way to escape Uni work for an hour or so. Little did I know that I'd be here, one hundred entries later, having wasted countless hours- hours which could have been spent studying, or curing cancer, or watching the Bold and the Beautiful- on badly written, incoherant ranting.
Today, we're here to honour some of these works of literary mediocrity, by awarding the coveted...
Golden Brain Award
So, to present the first award, please welcome... Robin Williams and Jennifer Love-Hewitt!"
*A triumphant fanfare plays*
*Robin Williams and Jennifer Love-Hewitt fail to appear on stage*
"Excuse me just a minute."
*Michelle strides over to the wings to confront the stage manager*
"Hey! Where the hell are Robin and Jennifer?"
"Um... I forgot to tell you. All those celebrities you invited... well, they turned us down."
"Even Tony Danza?"
"Even Tony Danza".
"Well, what the hell am I gonna do now?"
"You could stop talking to yourself, for a start. You're the only one here, remember? The auditorium, the crowd, me... they're just all part of a vaguely amusing literary construct. Really, this is all just you, sitting behind a computer, typing away while looking at naked pictures of William Shatner".
*looking around urgently* "Shhhhhh! Someone might be listening!"
"Unlikely".
"Ouch. Anyway, since the celebrities have failed to turn up, I'll just have to present the awards myself.
The first award is for- Longest Entry.
And the Brainy Award Goes to...
This entry described two days in which pretty much everything that could conceivably happen to me did happen to me.
The next award, Shortest Entry, goes to...
At five words long, this is a shining example of how willing I am to waste internet bandwidth on utter crap.
The award for Longest Title goes to...
Frankly, the title is the best thing about it.
Our next award- the award for Shortest Title- goes to...
'Eep' pretty much sums up my attitude to day-to-day life, really. That'e because I'm a weak, limp-wristed little crybaby.
And now, on to the awards that are mildly interesting!
The award for Most Controversial Entry goes to...
This is the only entry I've ever received a complaint about, and I can't even take credit for it. The 'offensive' text was written by someone else, and I merely used it to fulfil my own selfish desires. Mwah ha ha!
The award for Most Angsty Entry goes to...
This is the second award for this entry, which was not only long, but chock full of indulgent self-pity.
The award for Most Unappreciated Entry goes to...
The 'Enchanting Kittens'Series-
I spent hours doing a thorough, in-depth review of a trashy romance novel featuring kittens, and as far as I know, no-one ever read it. *Sigh*
The award for The Longest Time Between Writing an Entry and Publishing It goes to...
I actually wrote this entry two years ago. I originally intended to put it on my website, but I became bored with it and left it to gather dust in my hard drive for a while. One week, when nothing of interest was happening in my life, I looked through my old writing for something to use as filler, made a few changes, and bunged it up here.
The award for Best Illustrated Entry goes to...
I had so much fun playing that game and thwarting the cybersex of lonesome, horny teenagers. Sadly, the game has been taken off the net, much to the detriment of people like me who get their kicks from spoiling someone else's fun.
And, finally, the award for The Entry That Became Legend goes to...
Literally hours after I had posted this, some of my friends were calling me 'Christine' and lisping effeminitely. It still gets mentioned every now and then, particularly since the Conservatorium has a copy of 'The Photo' in the library.
To conclude, I'd like to hand out two very special awards to people who have rocked this particular Casbah so hard that it has been reduced to a pile of smouldering rubble. Firstly, an award to...
For his frequent note postings
And lastly, an award to...
For his many hilarious e-mails
We hope you have enjoyed this special presentation. Tune in next week, when normal service (or as normal as it gets around here, anyway) shall be resumed.
I'm Michelle. Goodnight, everyone!"
