2003-01-01 at 12:52 p.m.
So, a new year is upon us. A year as yet unspoilt, and fresh with the promise of change and accomplishment. And that, of course, means making some New Year's resolutions.
Every year, I seem to make the same ones. And every year, I break them within a week.
I'm sure you can all sympathise. I'm sure your list of failed New Years resolutions reads quite similarly to my own list of Greatest Hits- 'I will lose weight'. 'I will exercise regularly'. 'I will quit biting my nails'. 'I will study harder'. 'I will seek counselling for my uncontrollable kleptomania'.
Not this year.
-During the course of the year, consume own weight in pancakes.
-Walk into the bar one Wednesday night, stand in the middle of the room, spread arms wide, and declare, loudly- "I am the Lizard Queen!"
-Update website, fer cryin' out loud!
-Make next drunken loser who hits on me believe I am a transvestite.
-When caught farting, rather than blushing, will leap onto table and yell "And there's more where that came from!"
-Unlock the Secret of Smuggler's Cove.
-Invent a word. Use it incessantly in conversation. Make at least five people believe it is legitimate.
-Wear some form of ridiculous outfit beneath robes at graduation. Ideas- Clown suit, Stormtrooper armour, Wilderness Society Koala. Oh, and attach fluffy dice to mortarboard.
-Attempt to join 'The 100 Club'. (Accomplished by drinking 100 shots of beer in 100 minutes. It sounds easy, and it is, until you get to about 70 shots. That's when things start to get interesting.)
-Purchase and wear at least two exceptionally tasteless hats.
Oh, yes. You laugh now. But what you don't realise is that I fully intend to follow through with each and every one of these resolutions. (Except perhaps the Smuggler's Cove one, I'd really need three British children and a dog helping me to do that one properly.)
Incidentally, to consume my own weight in pancakes, I've calculated that I would have to eat in excess of 1400 of them (that is, if each pancake weighed appoximately 50g). For those of you who can add and have therefore worked out my approximate weight (approximate because I'm just guessing. I have no idea what I actually weigh, and, quite frankly, don't want to know) keep it to yourselves, lest I reign fiery death down upon you all.
'Should old aquaintence be forgot, blah blah, blah la la something,
La la, blah blah blah blee, bloo blee,
la la la, la Old Lang Syne.
