2003-01-27 at 6:28 p.m.

One fateful afternoon, not so long ago, I was doing just that. My feet were up, the washing machine was humming in the background, and I was reading articles such as 'Herioc Wonder Dog saves Adorable Boy using only his Arse Cheeks!' and 'The Almost Perfect Murder (that Wasn't all that Perfect, Really, what with all the Fingerprints, Clothes, Hair Fibres and the Photo ID the Murderer Left at the Scene)'.

And that was when I stumbled upon the article-

Now, landing a husband is pretty much the last thing on my mind (after lime green hotpants and figuring out how they make sugar cubes). Articles on the subject always seem to contain a lot of fishing imagery- I've been fishing before, and I seem to consistantly catch mullets and gropers. (Well, actually, I don't, but I thought I'd make an amusing play on words. Although, in hindsight, it really wasn't very amusing, was it? Sorry).

But I was so bored I was prepared to read anything. So, on I read.

"There's a single and very good reason for taking and keeping a partner for life and that is this: to share is a fine and companionable thing and it wards off excessive worry and fatigue, especially if you have kids".

Now, I'm not professing to be an expert in the field of human relations. I'm the kind of person who makes the Pope look positively promiscuous. But never for a moment would I consider marriage because 'sharing is a fine and companionable thing'. What? Share my secret underground lair and my collection of sweet sweet goat porn ?

Never!

I read on-

"Put out of your head the drippy belief that there's only one man for you. Given a willing spirit, the ability to compromise, enough in common and a stubborn streak, you could marry, and stay married to, just about anyone I thought was right for you."

Note- 'anyone I thought was right for you'.

I could rant on about that particular comment for quite a while, but I'm quite sure you can draw your own conclusions. To summarise- the woman's a complete control freak.

But wait- here comes the corker-

"By far the safest thing to do is to marry someone from within your circle of friends. Dreary though this may sound, you at least have the advantage of many years of background information".

To fully comprehend this idea, let's take a look at a choice selection of my friends, shall we?

Name-Peter

Age-21

Occupation- Organist

Pros- Musician, shares my Coca-Cola obsession

Cons- Organist

Verdict- Nope. Come on, the man's an organist. And I have way too many 'organ' jokes to spare.

Name- Nathan

Age-21

Occupation- Musical Theatre Student

Pros- Attractive, articulate, smart, well read, good fashion sense, great hair, can waltz without treading on partner's feet, smells nice, great sense of humour, excellent confidant.

Cons- Gayer than a tree full of monkeys on nitrous oxide.

Verdict- Nathan would make the perfect husband. However, I don't think his boyfriend would approve. (His parents, however, would be thrilled).

Name- Craig

Age- 22

Occupation- Engineering Student

Pros- Humourous, webmaster, will actually be making money upon completion of degree (unlike yours truly)

Cons- His girlfriend would kill me, resurrect me, then kill me again. (Further resurrections and killings would not be out of the question, either).

Verdict- I value the sanctity of human life. Especially my own.

Name- George

Age- 25

Occupation- vocalist

Pros- Musician, intelligent, has own apartment

Cons- Actually a girl (although that wouldn't stop me, and she knows it with chilling clarity).

Verdict- Since marriage would not be legal, I'm afraid it just wouldn't work. Besides, I think she's a little bit afraid of me.

I have that effect on people.

Name- Ken

Age- Unknown

Occupation- Man-shaped hunk of plastic

Pros- Attractive, quiet, underpants permenantly attached to body (removes need to fake headaches).

Cons- Not actually a friend, just added to this list as a half-arsed attempt at humour.

Verdict- It would never work. Ken seems too devoted to long time girlfriend, Barbie. (And who wouldn't be? The bitch has everything!)

Name- Jordan

Age- 20

Occupation- Pianist

Pros- Is so much like me, it's eerie sometimes.

Cons- Is so much like me, it's eerie sometimes.

Verdict- Although Jordan is actually my fiancee, we are both desperately hoping that one of us is hitched by the age of 35. Otherwise, the world will become a much scarier place.

Can you see the bind I'm in here? Can you!?

Oh well, I guess marriage is not (and never will be) for me. I mean, honestly! Can you see anyone living with me for longer than six months without bludgeoning me to death with a tyre iron while I sleep?

Thought not.